One month later...

It's been one month since we confirmed there wasn't a heartbeat. I am still waiting...still spotting...still hoping that it will skip this weekend since Dave has a gig and we will be taking the teardrop so we can stay the night and not drive NYE. Oh Lord PLEASE don't let anything happen while we are at the party. That would be a nightmare because then everyone would know. These are a bunch of over 50 and 60 folks that had their kids at 20 something and don't understand why in the world someone would want to have a baby at my age. (yeah, one has pretty much told me that so I just don't want to hear the judgemental comments and be the hot topic of conversation for another group. Ah hell...I probably am already. sigh)

I got a call from my regular ob's nurse today. She had gotten the paperwork from the RE's office and was calling to tell me how sorry she was. She really really really wants to see us go for a donor egg. She was telling me how they can match us and no one would ever know that we used a donor egg because it would look like me. I don't know. I think I am getting closer to wanting to hear more about it. I have tried to bring it up to Dave and he just says it wouldn't be part of me. I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to go there....another part says IF this is the only way I can have a baby then maybe that is what I will need to do.

It's hard not to get ahead of myself. I am still waiting for this miscarriage to happen. After the phone call with the nurse I called the RE's office to see if I can take something to speed up the process. After the problems I had with the last d&e I really don't want to do another if I don't have to. They finally called back this afternoon and I will either hear from the Doctor tonight or the office will call me tomorrow. I'm just ready for this to be over. Maybe when I talk to the office tomorrow I will make an appointment for Dave and I to go and talk to them about using one of the donor cycles later in the month.

Yes....I did.

I wrapped the rest of their Christmas gifts in the worst dollar store birthday paper I could find.

Not too bad...

The minute I got home my SS came out of his room (amazing feat in itself) and told me Happy Birthday. That was sweet. Totally unexpected too.

Dave got home a little after I did so we loaded "the beef" in the freezer. It JUST fit. OK so it does make me happy to have all that beef and a big box of bones I can use for stock. But it's still not a birthday present.

Right after that Dave said he had to "run to the store to get beer" and that he "would be right back" so I was to get ready to go out for dinner.

Almost an hour later he shows up. Uh huh....can we say desperate scramble for a birthday gift? Yeah...me too.

Dinner was really good. We went to a new sushi place that we haven't been to before. Very nice staff. We will definitely go back. I got a gift card to help buy a new coat (anyone want to guess what the receipt time stamp said?) He still kept talking about the damn beef so I told him again that food for the whole family is not a birthday gift. He tried to jokingly guilt me a little with how much it cost. That was a little irritating but I didn't let it ruin the night.

When we got home the SS came out and gave me a gift....wrapped in Christmas paper. I told him he did a nice job of wrapping it (didn't say a word about the paper) and he said his dad did that. Uh huh. So he really didn't have anything for me. Didn't even think to get something for me that was actually FROM my SS and he's giving me one of my Christmas presents for my birthday. Seriously? We have HAD this talk many times. He knows how weird I get about that. ~sigh~

Still. It was something I wanted. A fishing pole...A PINK fishing pole and the box from the SS was full of lures and hooks. So now I can go catch me some fish for the freezer. Betcha I get a fishing license in my stocking for Christmas.

I'm not sure he actually got me a whole cake (I didn't look in the fridge) but he at least got a few slices of the Sacher Torte from L.a Ma.deli.ne. Made me cry.....I got a birthday cake (slice) from him. No candle but I got to have some cake...that he actually thought about and made the effort to buy just for me.......made me cry again.

Damn hormones.

TOTAL hormonal meltdown last night....

My poor husband.

He is a great husband and provider but he doesn't really get the point of buying birthday cakes and I sometimes feel like I have to prod him a bit to remember my birthday. Or that my birthday gift is NOT something you can tack onto one of my Christmas gifts. As in here ya go honey. This can be your Christmas AND birthday present even though it's wrapped in Christmas paper. Or if I'm going to buy something he'll want to just give me money for it. Which is nice. VERY NICE. But it's the lazy way out of having to think about what to buy me. I make an effort for his birthday and his son's I don't think it's asking too much that they make some effort to remember mine.

Several months ago we went in with a couple of families on getting a beef processed. I'm a farm girl and this is exciting stuff. I love being able to just go to the freezer and pull out steaks, burgers etc.

After the wreck we talked about just skipping Christmas for each other since we were going to have the expense of the freezer and beef at the same time. Just get stuff for the SS.

I've felt really bad about everything lately,the wreck, getting another car, the "impending doom", etc. Fast forward to earlier this month the beef was going to be processed right at Christmas time so we would have that expense PLUS we would have to buy a freezer to store it all in.
OK so...we are up to
beef (grass fed, grass finished)
freezer to keep beef in
wrecked car
Dr's bills
womb of doom
Christmas for the stepson
oh and I almost forgot buying a new used car and the bill from the mechanic to fix a few minor things like the timing belt and brakes that really needed to be done before I drove it much.

I am trying to be a real grown up and not make a fuss about my birthday. It's not like I really need much and I try really hard not to be high maintenance but he kept talking about giving me that damn beef for my birthday.

It really didn't help that I was having a crappy hormonal day yesterday as well.

The nightmare boss was picking on me. Guess it was my turn, who knows she is nuts.

Then I made the mistake of going to Target after work....it was filled with too many people not shopping but standing in the middle of the isle BLOCKING the entire isle while they just stood there chatting. Seriously people? grrr.... Preggos and new babies seemed to be around every corner as well. All the while I was starting to unravel just a little bit more.

By the time I got home I was in a crap mood.

I thought about just going and taking a long hot shower but that would have required effort I just didn't have. The tears kept trying to pop up but I was able to fight them back. So I grabbed a beer and joined Dave on our love seat. He kept asking if I was OK, what was wrong blah blah blah. I told him I was as good as could be expected. He mentioned the beef was coming in tomorrow (my birthday) I LOST IT. I just started sobbing. All I could get out is that it had been a really bad month and I KNOW I said it would be OK but getting that for my birthday really wasn't OK.

He started laughing saying he had been kidding but it just made me cry harder. Then he kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday which only made things worse because I'm thinking it's the night before my birthday and he has nothing.

I'm feeling a little better today but damn I hope he at least made the effort to buy me a cake.

This is getting frustrating....again...

So if you are male or someone I know IRL or both you will probably want to skip this post....don't say I didn't warn you.






So yesterday I got up from my desk at work and felt a big gush. Thank goodness I was wearing at least a liner and also grateful for having made the decision to wear black that morning!!!! I ended up having to go home change clothes and since I wasn't cramping or really having anymore bleeding I decided to just go back to work. The nighmare boss has actually been pretty decent to deal with lately...knock...on....wood!
Nothing has happened since. Nada....Zilch....sigh....
This is just so weird. I know that can't be the end of it but the waiting is really starting to get to me. Betcha anything I will be doubled over with cramps either tomorrow...yeah, that will be a great birthday present or on Christmas...an even better day to screw up. ~sigh~ Dave keeps asking how to know if he needs to take me to the emergency room. Poor guy. I forget sometimes that this is just as hard on him even though he doesn't act like it.
Anyone out there that has waited it out for a natural miscarriage and would like to share some helpful advice? I am all ears.

Just got a call from the Dr's office. He ran a blood test to see if the numbers were falling yet. They are still at 15,942 so it will probably be a while. Although when I told her about the bleeding yesterday she said that could be a good sign.

God...please let it skip my birthday...Christmas...and New Year's Eve....just make it some random day that I can block from my memory.

Still tired....

I helped photograph 2 weddings on Saturday. My feet are still killing me but it was great training. I need to go and shoot a bunch of weddings with them all in a row so I can fine tune my camera settings for each part of the wedding.

Then Sunday I met up with my sister and niece (they drove down from OK) and we braved the traffic and crowds so I could pick up a chair and ottoman for the stepson's Christmas gift at Ikea. I was surprised that the crowds weren't THAT bad. Ooh and we found the PERFECT little furniture store that had a self serve MARGARITA MACHINE. After shopping with my sister for a few hours I needed a couple of those! LOL And since I hadn't run myself completely ragged by that point we then drove to the the other side of DFW to the Stockyards in Fort Worth to watch my husband play at the Wh.ite El.epha.nt with a bunch of songwriters.
I need another weekend just to recover but at least I stayed so busy I didn't have time to focus on anything else.
Yay for staying busy!

A nice distraction...maybe...

our wedding photographer friends might need me to help with a few weddings this weekend. Fingers crossed....the practice is much appreciated even if I don't get paid for it.

Stupid Twit...

I confronted the lady that asked me if I was pregnant (in front of other people no less) when I got back from lunch. I was still steamed over it.
I asked her who she heard it from but of course she wouldn't say. Oh NOW she wants to be discreet. Uh huh. But she did say she overheard it in the lunchroom. So I am pretty sure I know whose ass is going to get kicked.
I was so upset I was visibly shaking. The stupid twit actually said "I just wanted to be excited with you". Yeah right. You just wanted to confirm the rumors so you would have the "scoop" to share with everyone at lunch.
These aren't people that give a damn about me. I have never worked in a company that is so cliquish. Not a one of them has ever made any attempt to have a conversation with me in the 3 years I've worked here, go to lunch with me etc. Which is just fine with me. They are too damn nosey and classless for my tastes anyway.
I told her Ya know there are REASONS WHY I don't tell people what is going on and to have you ask me that in front of people is extremely upsetting to me as we are trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This has been very difficult and upsetting and since you are in HR you should know better. If I wanted you to know I would have told you myself. You don't go asking people if they are pregnant because you don't have a clue what they are dealing with.

Yeah, I think she'll think twice before asking someone if they are pregnant again.

I thought I was playing it so cool....

At work anyway. I guess I was just fooling myself because THE LEAST discreet person in our company just asked me if I was pregnant and I burst into tears. Yeah...this is going to be a LONG day.

So this is where we stand.....

After the Dr did the u/s the other day we talked about what our next step should be. He said we had done everything we were supposed to but he felt that all our m/c are because of poor egg quality. He didn't think there was anything we could do to have a successful pregnancy using my own eggs.

He has 2 studies that he is running right now where we could "adopt" one of the frosties that have been donated or we could use donor eggs from his other study. Either way it would be a reduced rate. Basically just paying for the meds but still 4000-6ooo to try it.

I am torn.

If my eggs are total crap then at least if I used donor eggs I would have a better chance of having a baby that is at least Dave's DNA.

On the other hand I have spent my entire life raising other people's kids. All I wanted was to have my OWN bleach blond, skinned knee, snarky, biological child...with the left ear sticking out just like everyone else in my family has. Apparently that WAS too much to ask for.

And what if we spend the money to try and it fails? I would feel like I was robbed.

I found that CoQ10 is supposed to help with egg quality. I think I will try that first to see if it really does help. I don't think I'm ready to give up but I also don't think I'm ready for the next step.

I feel like I am offically grasping for straws now.....

Click on the link below to have a laugh at me and my co-workers. It's definately helped take my mind off the crapfest.

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/CNUgfibVf5Ugxzip

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/4z6pCl78ac70ta4Q

Not much happin...

Just wallowing in a big steaming pile of self-pity.

One of my co-workers just bought a new car and was talking about selling her old one 2001 Chevy PT Cruiser (Limited Edition) for $3000. So I think we are going to buy it. It will be a stretch since it's Xmas time but. I would rather have it since I know how well it's been taken care of. Then we can save up for a newer car in the future.
I'm just not up for another car payment right now.

My week is just getting better....

I totalled my car this morning.
I had a green arrow in the turn lane and was hit head on by a car from the opposite direction. That spun my car around and into 2 more cars. I got to take an ambulance ride to the ER on a backboard which was loads of fun but I would rather be safe than sorry. On the bright side they didn't find anything major that was wrong with me. Just a lot of bumps and bruises. You should see the one on my stomach from the seat belt. It's huge and purple.
I was pretty freaked out since I'm on blood thinners but no one seemed too concerned with that. They just couldn't wrap their head around how I could be pregnant but know that there wasn't a heartbeat. I thought that was kinda surprising but I guess they only deal with normal bad stuff not freaky fertility RPL crap.
My husband and SS (who has no clue that we have been trying to get pregnant) went to get everything out of the car. I hope Dave does that by himself because I'm sure the SS will freak out if he finds the baby bib stashed in the console (I would pull it out and channel all my mommy vibes just before scans in hopes that THAT would be the time that worked) and the what to expect when you are expecting book floating around on the floor of the car. Ehhh....maybe the kid could use a good shock.

I'll take the sushi, brie and crackers, a 16 inch hero...

and the largest fucking shot of tequila you have ever seen. On second thought just fill the fucking water pitcher with it.

One holiday down....

Whew...I made it through Thanksgiving in one piece and feeling a little more pregnant each day.

I haven't been totally abandoned by the doom and gloom thoughts but their voices are getting quieter with every twinge.
My next appointment is tomorrow afternoon. They will do another u/s to see if they can find a heartbeat. So sometime around 4:45 y'all need to start praying for me.

Feel free to start immediately...

I am feeling more hopeful than I have since last week's appointment. With my luck I'll probably get a swift kick in the a$$ in the form of bad news, but I am still going to have hope.

HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE!

WHY can't I get to do something the easy way for once....

Should be 6w 4d....u/s measured 6 weeks. No heartbeat so I have to go back next Tuesday to see if there is any change.
Kinda feels like I should prepare myself for loss #5. F@@K!

Seriously?

I have a co-worker that is being harassed by our supervisor. She was written up this week for
"helping too much". Uh...REALLY?!?!?!? Wow. Can't wrap my head around that one and wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it.

beta update....

11-5-10 -- 38
11-8-10 -- 158
11-15-10 --2729

Again...just over doubling. Nice work little emby....keep it up!

What I hate most about RPL...another long and winding story

Is that it robs you from being able to celebrate the good things in life.

We are 5 weeks 2 days pregnant. First beta was 38 second was 158 (last Monday) I remember correctly which was just over doubling every 2 days. Whew.... I am trying to just go about my daily routines and not give it much thought. You buy that right? Yeah...me either.
I am on a daily injection of lo.ven.ox so far so good. It was a little freaky the first few times but I'm getting more comfortable with it and last night I didn't have that awful sting that usually last half an hour or so.

The thing that has me concerned the most these days is that one of my coworkers who sits about 5 feet away from me is having her thyroid killed with radio.active io.din.e. I had to tell her I was pregnant just so she would stay away from me...but she is so freakin stupid she believes her quack of a dr who says it's not a big deal. Uh read the internet chicky...it's a little bigger deal than you think. She was actually planning on coming back to work the same day that she received the treatment. I had to have a little talk with our supervisor and let her know that not only do I have an issue with it based on what I've read but my RE can't believe she is going to come back to work so soon. They want me to be 20 feet away from her for at least a week maybe 2. So we moved me to another desk on the opposite end of the room. Of course everyone was being nosey as to why I was moving but when we stuck to the computer issue story they moved on pretty quickly. I'm sure there are lots of rumors going on right about now.

I go in tomorrow morning for my next beta. Not that I give those test much weight anymore. I learned that lesson already. The blighted ovum had all the right number and then some. ~sigh~
The best news is that I am having more symptoms than I remember experiencing before.

I drove down to H-town so I could go to the Nut.cra.cker Mar.ket with my best friend yesterday. I wanted to get to tell her in person about this latest one. She's alway been supportive of me from a distance so it was fun to get to just share stories in person for a change.

When we got there it was PACKED! It seemed like there were more people there but less booths than last year. Everyone else was running around in sweaters and jackets I had sweat just rolling off me. Yeah, I know...kinda gross but I was about to pass out from getting too hot. I would get lightheaded ever few feet.
Ann decided that we should stop for lunch and let me cool off. I was sitting there chugging some cold water, fanning myself and pulling my hair up off my neck and these 3 ladies sat down at the same table we where at. One of them said...in a really good natured way "if you tell me you are hot I am gonna smack you!" So I blurted Oh it's just because I'm pregnant. Wow....I actually said it out loud and didn't get struck by lightening! At that point I didn't care anymore and stripped my shirt off. Thank goodness I had thought ahead and wore a tank under it! LOL

It's amazing how easy it was to talk about it with 3 total strangers. They all said very nice positive things and I managed to keep from bawling although a few tears snuck out. But it did make it seem more REAL.

I haven't told anyone in my family this time around. My sister kinda pissed me off after the last one. She is the queen of being judgemental, so she probably won't know until I am closer to the 13 week mark...or at least that is the current plan. You know me...I have said that before and caved.
I am glad that I did this roadtrip to Houston. I needed the girl time with Ann.
We realized that next year will mark 40 years since we met in a potato field so we are going to try and find potato charms for our bracelets to exchange in honor of it. 40 years....wow! I wonder if they make ruby potatoes? LOL

I hate this week.

Yesterday was the 2nd anniv. of our 1st loss...or at least the day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat. And the end of the week marks the 1st anniv of the only other pregnancy we made it to see the heartbeat. I really hate October.

FREE IS GOOD!

OK, so we had to buy 2 new tires for it...but STILL!

You can see more pictures here.

Making a little progress...

We picked up the trailer last Saturday and man is it in BAD SHAPE! I'm not sure what planet this guy is on but when you advertise something as having "NO LEAKS" it probably shouldn't have holes all the way around it and have a ceiling that is falling down from water damage. Just my opinion. But hey we didn't pay much for it and we wanted a "project" so it's all good.

The minute we got the thing parked on the side of the house I wanted to start cleaning it up a bit.

I tried to vacuum the Smurf blue astroturf but as I ran the vacuum cleaner over it more dirt was shooting out the front of the vacuum than was going into it. At that point I asked Dave if I could go ahead and pull some of the bad stuff out. He said SURE...SO I KINDA WENT A LITTLE CRAZY! LOL! I was pulling walls and carpet out and he was trying to keep up putting everything in trash bags. Oh man it was nasty! I need to go buy a GOOD respirator and bring home some safety goggles before I start working on the next round of demolition.

Oh and the best part. The guy had another trailer that was sitting under a tarp that we got to take a look at. It was in MUCH BETTER SHAPE. It's VERY CUTE, only has a small leak that will be easy to repair and he is going to let us have it FOR FREE! We will go and pick it up next weekend.

Idiot....

My deadbeat ho-dog of a brother just irritates me like no other person I know. And I've met some really annoying people in my time.

He's been married 4 times (we think, it's hard to keep track of the ones he actually marries). His first marriage lasted all of 2 weeks. Nice church wedding and all the fixins. He was screwing around on her and she left. Big shocker.

The next wife was really young. Barely 18. Got married because she was pregnant but she was pretty nice. They had a little girl which I don't get to see very much but she is a HOOT! Of course he was screwing around on that wife too.

Same scenario with the next two although this last one, Quatro, has managed to stick around despite being treated like sh** by him. But then again she is a royal pinched faced wench (and just like my mother which is downright creepy) so they are probably made for each other.

Ok, so back to why I'm feeling the need to rant about that dumbass.

His little girl is nothing more than a pawn, a bargining chip to him. She is the most adorable, fearless, outgoing little girl and he refuses to pay any of her daycare expenses just because he wants the Mother to drive over an hour each way so little J can attend school where HE lives and it's probably the worst school in the state. Over half of their Sr class didn't graduate last year! Yeah, that is where I would want my child to go to school! NOT!

I can't even count the times he has refused to return J to her Mother after his vistation is up JUST SO HE DOESN'T have to pay child support. Yeah, I've heard that crap come straight from him.

REALLY?!?!?!

He pisses me off so much that I regularly have dreams of beating the crap out of him.

So I have made a decision.

Let him be a jackass.

Let him treat his little girl however he wants but I will do what I can to make sure there is money for her daycare expenses.

I will never EVERY understand why parents punish their children for their own poor choices in life.

How could you do that to this sweet little face?

It may not be a lot of money but I feel moved to start doing this. Much more productive than kicking his ass.

A new project....

We are driving to the middle of nowhere tomorrow morning to pick up our new old trailer. We've been using a teardrop for almost 2 years and love it but there ARE times that it would be nice to wake up in the middle of the night and have your own bathroom to use instead of

1.) having to find your shoes in the dark
2.) make sure you are appropriately dressed
3.) walk 1/4 mile to the bath house just to find that they are out of toilet paper
4.) walk 1/4 mile BACK to the trailer
5.) try to find the toilet paper in the dark while not waking up your spouse (can't do it)
6.) walk 1/4 mile to the bathhouse AGAIN
7.) walking to the trailer and realize it's 3 am and you chances of going back to sleep are slim

Yeah, you think I'm kidding dontcha. Nope. Done it more than once. ~sigh~

This little number is supposed to have a bathroom, a kitchenette and sleeps 5! I guess that is a bit of a step up. Dave and I are both excited about fixing the new addition up. We found it on craigslist and bought it sight unseen so I'm hoping its in almost as good a shape as the guy says.

Next project is a little piece of land near the lake...

The reason I didn't try to have children until now....

I grew up in a house where the mother screamed at us every day from the minutes SHE woke up until the minute SHE went to bed.
I spent most of my childhood running away from home to whatever safe haven I could find. Mostly it was riding my rusty little old bike to our nearest neighbor's house where I would pester poor Florence all afternoon until she got the phone call to send me home for supper. That woman was a saint and must have known how horrible it was at home for me.
I ran across a video today that gave me chills it was so much like my childhood....well...except for the obnoxious teenager that was egging his mother on. Most of the time we just tried to avoid that woman period. Listen to it....that is the kind of reaction we got when we didn't load the dishwasher correctly, when the laundry wasn't folded perfectly. Hell, even when I cleaned her house one day that was how she reacted. Every conversation with her until I was in my late 20's ended with her screaming at me and telling me she wished I was "dead and in hell".
For years and years I was terrified every day that if I had children I would treat them the way she treated us and especially me. It's taken me a VERY LONG TIME to know I won't.

One moody bitch...

I've been really cranky this week. I think it really hit me hard that last month was a bust. I'm angry and tired and rundown and everywhere I turn someone else announces their pregnancy. And I KNOW, even though I've tried not to, I know I've been taking it out on poor Dave.
Is it FRIDAY YET?

Sucky week....

The last week has just SUCKED.

My lunch buddy was telling me that her pregnant sister has decided to give up her baby for adoption. She has 4 other kids and doesn’t raise them either. She dumped them on her ex husband when she hooked up with a new guy. That just makes my heart hurt.

Two days in a row at work the main topic of conversation for the MEN in my department was…you guessed it. Yammering’ loudly about trying to get their girlfriends pregnant. I tried to ignore it but ended up with chest pains by the end of the day (probably from holding my breath all afternoon) and a permanent lump in my throat.

Oh and remember the wedding I photographed a few weeks ago… yup. The bride is pregnant too. CRAP! Sucker punch to the gut.

My best friend said she just had to bury herself in work when dealing with all the yammering and crap. She’s a better person than I am. I can’t think clear enough to get anything done. I just zone out.

So now I’m just sitting here waiting on cd1. Test was negative on Saturday, not that I had any symptoms or anything to make me think it would be positive. I may test again today or tomorrow just to torture myself and then maybe by Wednesday I can start obsessing again about my next opportunity.

I’ll try to keep myself busy with some photography. That always puts me in a better mood. I am supposed to help shoot a wedding on Sunday, but I told my neighbors that I would be available to help them out at any other weddings they have going on this weekend as well. The experience would be great for me and the distraction would be very welcome.

Hopefully...maybe...

This will be my last two week wait. I got the best reading every on the opk...shockingly good reading I should say. Felt like crap that evening too so maybe it cut more than one egg loose. Wouldn't THAT be a hoot! (I would love it Dave would have a heart attack) I'm at 2 dpo and already obsessing about it.

I have so much to keep me busy for the next couple of weeks. I STILL need to edit the pictures from the wedding. I was waiting for our neighbor (the wedding photographer) to come back from his trip so I could run all the pictures through his apple aperture program. But I think I'm tired of waiting and I know the bride would love to have her pictures sooner rather than later. So that is my goal for this weekend while Dave is off playing golf.

I think I found somewhere to take an in depth class on photoshop. The place I'm taking the photography courses does a really FAST class on it but I think that would just be overwhelming to me since I've never worked with it before. I need to give them a call today so I can get enrolled soon. I think there is a class starting this month.

Ooohhh and I found a local college that has a pottery class. I have my own wheel but it has two speeds and I need to have one has a peddle that I can control the speed with. It makes such a difference when I am trimming my pieces up.

I'm hoping they have a class that starts soon so I can make stuff to actually fire and glaze and fire again instead of making it then destroying it. I hate having to do that!

We have a friend that does an open house for her massage business twice a year. I don't think I would be able to get pieces fired for the one this fall but maybe for the next one. Wouldn't it be a hoot to make money doing what I love instead of working for nitpicking, control freakin, backstabbing, people that lie to make the rest of us look bad just so they can cover their ass. Bitter? Me? NAH....

Genetic testing is back

The only thing I was really concerned about was the risk of translocation. Fortunately both of our tests came back normal.
Friday I went back for a second biopsy to see if we had gotten rid of the strep b. That sucker HURT. I was fine and then all of the sudden I felt this pain that made me have to control my breathing. The first one was a breeze so I was expecting this one to be the same. I guess since they weren't doing the hysteroscope at the same time they can't see how much tissue they are ripping out. DAMN. I felt crampy and tender all night but by the next morning it seemed ok.
On the positive side there is some study that shows that pregnancy rates are quite a bit higher right after having a biopsy like that. Fingers crossed! I'm hoping the break in the heat is helpful for the swimmers too. Plus September is the month that I seem to have the best pregnancies where we actually got heartbeats. This time will be different since I'll be starting blood thinner injections immediately. I'm feeling really HOPEFUL.

You are not going to believe this....

No, I'm not pregnant. August is too hot and I think it fries the swimmers so I wasn't expecting a positive this month.

The COOLEST THING EVER happened to me last night. Dave told me that our neighbor Barbara wanted to see me when I got home. So, after my much needed chiropractor appointment I walked accross the street to their house.

Let me back up for a minute. In case I haven't talked about them before, Brent and Barb are the wedding photographers that generously let us use their vacation home to get married at AND did our wedding photography for FREE. They have been very supportive of me taking photography classes so that I can get into shooting wedding and get out of the job from hell. Barbara has mentioned a couple of time how she is really looking forward to me getting to the point she can send me out to be the second shooter so she doesn't have to.

A couple in "the group" are getting married this weekend and I had been planning on taking pictures for the practice. I figured B&B were going to be doing the actual wedding photography. Turns out they aren't. The couple are trying to get their house built and just can't afford to hire them so Barbara told her she should get me to shoot the wedding. WOW! That was pretty cool of them to suggest me for the job. Of course I had already planned on taking a bunch of pictures and putting together a book for them as our wedding present to them but this means I need to step up my game plan.
Oh and the best part... To make it even easier to shoot the wedding B&B GAVE me TWO Canon zoom lenses. They are older and a little beat up but they work GREAT. They had just bought a new lens that did the job of those two so they wanted to help me get started.
Can you believe that! I'm still so moved by their generousity. I feel so blessed.

And we wait...

I still haven't heard back on the rest of the tests they ran. I actually forgot about them until this morning. I'll give them a buzz this week to see if they have gotten them back yet.
Dr. K didn't put me on clomid. He doesn't think I need it which kind of freaks me out. So, tThis cycle we are just using progesterone, metformin, baby asprin and that dern folic acid pill I can never remember the name of without looking at the bottle and assorted vitamins. Oh, and I'm still on the antibiotics for the strep B.
If this cycle worked I should know by Monday. So far I've been snapping at people, tired and weepy but that is probably just the progesterone. Fortunately this week is going by quickly so that makes the waiting a little easier.

Cute as a button....dumb as a rock

I now know that having a raging case of vertigo is not for the faint of heart. It took a full two weeks to stop losing my balance and all that extra effort to focus on staying upright and walking straight gave me one whopper of a headache that I am just now getting rid of. So that made it 3 weeks of being totally unproductive. Oh well. I think God was trying to tell me to take a break or just wanted to give me a break from the nightmare supervisor. (said supervisor has been very nice to me lately)

The visit with the specialist went pretty well. I really like him, his nurses, the insurance lady etc. I really don't like the receptionist. She is stunningly pretty but stunningly inept.
Today I went in just to have some blood drawn. I talked with the receptionist on Wednesday to confirm what the earliest time was I could come in. So I'm thinking, when I get there I'll be able to have my blood drawn and be on the road to work in 15 minutes max. It took 15 freakin minutes for her to understand why I was there. She made me sign in, OK no big deal, I noted on there that I was just there to have blood drawn. 15 minutes later she called me back to the window and said "I don't find where you have an appointment today" I had to explain it to her again, reminded her that we had a conversation earlier in the week and again had to tell her I was just there for a blood draw.
Then she wanted me to tell her what tests I was supposed to have done. Hell I don't know. The Dr. said there were 4 he wanted to run it should be in the system.
Another 15 minute wait.
Finally they called me back and took the blood....50 minutes after I arrived. I may have to have a chat with the Dr about her.

The first visit we had she took my insurance card and info, paper work etc. I had talked to her to confirm she had received all of my paperwork. When I get there she only had half of it. Seriously? Fortunately I had everything with me. So I gave it to her to make a copy of, she was supposed to copy it and then give it back to me. I never saw it again. Then she said that will be $400. WHAT? Uh, no. I called and was told that this is diagnostic and that my insurance covers it. She told me, well maybe you should call your insurance company and see if they give you a different answer than they gave me. AGAIN....SERIOUSLY? Finally she just charged me the $40 she was supposed to charge me for a visit. By this time I'm stressed out, a little freaked out, Dave was acting weird which didn't help and so the waterworks started up.
I was ready to leave but I didn't want to have to go through the process of finding someone else so I just sucked it up. The Dr was great, answered all my questions I had made a list of and apologized for the front desk. He said this is stressful enough and we should have done a better job of checking with your insurance company, not make you have to do it. He said he would be having a talk with the staff which made me feel better. Dave even liked him and finally stopped acting so freakin weird.

I went back last week (different receptionist and I didn't have a single issue) and they did a hysteroscopy, everything looked fine. They did a biopsy and made sure I didn't have a septum or polyps which would interfere with a pregnancy. The biopsy did come back with a positive strep B which is fairly common but just to be on the safe side I'm on 10 days of antibiotics.
They are running chromosome tests on both Dave and I to rule out a balanced translocation. Pray that isn't the issue! And the other tests they are running are for clotting issues. Hopefully we will just need the Folgard and blood thinners to hit the baby jackpot. Yeah, that would be worth becoming a human pincusion

Sorry to leave you hanging....

I've been down with a severe case of vertigo. Dr's appointment went better than I thought, the front office pissed me off though. More later when I am feeling better.

Countdown....

We have a consulation appointment with the fertility specialist on the 20th.

interesting tidbit....

I had my post op visit with Dr. W yesterday. She was telling me about it being a difficult surgery and then asked if I remembered waking up during surgery?

UH...WHAT?!?!?!?

Yeah, apparently I woke up in the middle of surgery and they had to really drug me up to get me back to sleep. No wonder it took me a while longer to recover this time. Double dose of anesthesia, excessive bleeding etc.

I told her about having that same weird pain/swelling and red line on my arm after having it pop up on my leg. She said it sounded like a little phlebitis but since it resolved itself quickly then it wasn't too worrisome. She was more concerned with the swollen lymph node I had. It went away pretty soon after the swelling in my leg went away.

She gave me a referral for the specialist. She said they coded everything for the ins co so they shouldn't give me any problems. My new label....AMA/hypothyroid/habitual aborter. Nice. Oh well. If it keeps the ins co from giving me grief I'll take it.

I'll probably call the Dr's office Tuesday to set up a consultation.

hmmm....

Now I'm getting a place on my arm like I had on my leg. I wonder if it's some weird infection or a reaction to the surgery.
It's a strange soreness like a pulled muscle but it radiates throughout my arm, there is about a 3 inch red line that is slightly swollen and tender to the touch. Just like with my leg it's wider this morning than it was last night.

A little good news?

The tests came back negative on it being a blood clot THANK GOODNESS! I wasn't looking forward to another trip to the hospital. It did show an inflamed lymph node so my doctor's office had me come in for another blood test to see if I had developed an infection. While I was there Kathy the nurse came out to talk to me about some paperwork so I showed her my leg. She thought it looked like a blood clot too so I didn't feel so paranoid. She said it might also be an infection process, I had never heard of that term before but I guess if you have an infection starting it can show symptoms somewhere in that area. Hey! Weird shit! I'm over here! Yup, looks like you found me again.
So I'm home with my leg up and I've been putting heat on it per the nurse's instructions. Hopefully it will look better by Monday and I can go back to work. Although just between me and you I LOVED being home...even if I did felt like crap.

Complications....of course

Tuesday night we got to make a rather quick drive to the ER because I started cramping more and bleeding ALOT. Dave was crackin me up! He was pretty freaked out and was weaving in and out of traffic trying to get to the ER in a hurry.

Apparently they had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding during surgery on Friday because my uterus wasn't clamping down like it's supposed to do. Uh ok, first I've heard of that! That would explain why I haven't bounced back very quickly from this surgery like I did the previous ones.

I don't know what I expected the ER to do but after a half dozen blood tests and HOURS of just sitting around they sent me home with a medication that is supposed to help (methergine) and a shot of morphine and phenergen. Morphine is some badass shit. Yesterday I was so drugged up I could barely wake up when my alarm went off to take my next dose of medicine. I could tell by about 10 pm when the morphine was starting to wear off that it had really helped keep me from feeling the worst of the cramps. I had a couple that hit hard and I wasn't able to move, breath or anything but stand there doubled over and rocking back and forth.

I'm still groggy today but it getting better which is good. On the bad side I woke up this morning with pain in my calf. I had to call the doctors office to set up a followup appointment so I told them about it. It's swollen, warm and has a red line running about 5 inches on the side of my calf once I told the nurse about it she made an appointment for me to see a specialist to see if I have developed a blood clot so I'm just hanging out and waiting for my appointment at 1:30.

I love my doctor

She had me come in yesterday and after a scan and the fact that I'm still having a few pregnancy symptoms she scheduled me for a d/c that afternoon.
So now I can breath a sigh of relief and start looking forward to the next step. A consultation with the fertility specialist to see if there is any chance of having a baby on our own.
I don't want to use someone elses eggs, I don't want to adopt. I've spent my entire life raising other peoples kids and now I really want my own.

Nothing happing...

*disclaimer* If you are a guy, you might want to skip this one. It might be a little too much info for ya.


I guess I need to call the Dr's office and let them know that nothing much has been happening. Just some spotting (sorry TMI). Every time I think it's progressing, it stops. I've tried lots of walking, jumping on the trampoline, sitting around doing nothing, lifting stuff. I get more Yesterday I had a few cramps around lunchtime that took my breath away, but then they stopped and nothing else has happened.

This is seriously frustrating.

Nothing much to tell...

Nothing is happening except the boobs are still growing. Had to switch to the DD maternity bra that I bought a while back and had to buy some pants that were a little more comfortable on the belly.
I try to tell myself they will come in handy for NEXT TIME.....
Started getting "looks" from the lady at the bank I only see every couple of weeks and a couple of other people. Won't they be disappointed when I don't "pop". Eh, join the club.
I had wanted to let this resolve itself on it's own so I wouldn't have to go through another surgery but I'm starting to wonder if it's EVER going to happen. I'll give it another week. Maybe I'll call and see about getting the medication to help hurry things along. I wonder if there are any natural ways I can help things along. Any suggestions?

Tight pants

There are moments when I can feel almost back to "normal" and then there are long-ass-days where I feel so pregnant that I can't believe that there isn't a bean in there.
Today was the later. I feel like crap but in the way you dream and hope to. The bb's are killing me like they are supposed to. When I came home from work I went straight to bed for a nap and now I can barely move off the couch.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband that is a great cook and dishwasher (and shots of tequila with beer chaser deliverer. Yeah, I know that's bad english.)

Seriously...~sigh~

I am so tired of my lovely Dr having to tell me "I'm so sorry". FUCK.
Another failed pregnancy....strike FOUR. This time it's a blighted ovum.
No more chances for just taking another round of Clomid, our next step is a fertility specialist. Dr. W doesn't want to waste more of our time if there is a chance of the specialist helping.

Which means we are totally screwed. My insurance company won't even pay for the Clomid they sure as hell aren't going to pay for anything more invasive.

Dave is going to check into his insurance. I wouldn't be able to switch until Dec but that is only 7 months away. It' will probably take a month for me to m/c and then another for my body to kick back into a routine. Yeah, I'm kinda ramblin right now. It's how I process crap. Sorry.

I'll let my brain calm down and then we'll make an appointment to meet with him. I've already decided that IVF isn't for us it's just too cost prohibitive. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll win the lottery between now and then. I might as well hope for "World Peace" while I'm at it.

Can I go home now?

Saw the sack, it measured 5w5d but didn't see anything in it. FUCK.
Dr. W suggested we do another bloodtest to see what my levels look like. FUCK.
I go back on Monday to see if they can find anything in there. FUCK.
CAN'T STOP CRYING. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK




*UPDATE* Dr. W just called me with the lab results. My beta came back at 25,417. I made her repeat it so I knew that was what she actually said. Ok, so that still puts me in the 5-6 week range. FIRST hurdle down, and Dave is going with me to the u/s appointment which I had to move to Tuesday. I am so relieved! It's been so hard for him to take off work now that they are shorthanded and have a guy with a bad back. I'm glad he's going to go with me. Keep praying y'all!

7 weeks!

I am completely thrilled to have raging heartburn and to be so tired after a solid night of sleep that I could fall asleep at my desk the minute I sit down. Of course the BBs are KILLING me too. YAY! Half the websites said I was 7 weeks yesterday and the other half said it was today so I will go with today...for now.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with Dr. W and then a date with a wand to confirm where we are and if things are progressing appropriately. I've been pretty nervous about the appointment and I tried to guilt my darling husband into going with me but he is still dealing with an employee that can't do much (recovering from back surgery) so I don't think he'll be able to go with me to the appointment. I really wish I could get an appointment earlier than 10 it really messes up your whole day. It's a bummer but at the same time I'm pretty ok with going solo. I'm trying to only read and think about positive outcomes.

YAY! SIX weeks....

Actually according to Dr. Google I'm 6 weeks 2 days. I'm still feeling REALLY tired all day long (after sleeping like a log) with heartburn and a touch of evening sickness instead of morning sickness. BB's hurt more at night too. yay! Come on symptoms!

3rd beta results

I did another beta yesterday it came back at 755 but my progesterone dropped from 26.2 to 14.2 YIKES! I may have to bump up the progesterone to twice a day. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr's office.
So far I'm enjoying the heartburn and general blech feeling. The only thing that sounds good to eat is mashed potatoes. The only thing I'm not enjoying is the waking up at 3:30 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I need to find out if I can take something for that. I wonder if they would let me take just half or even a 1/4 of a Tylenol pm.

Uh...

Ok, don't go getting all excited yet, but just before we left for vacation last Wednesday I got a VERY faint line on a First Response.

I had a beta bloodtest drawn just before leaving town and it came back at 25. That was a pretty cool first anniversary present! Then this morning I went in for a second and it came back at 124 with a progesterone in the 20's.

I'm trying to be very chill about it all and not get too excited until I get past the point I lost the last 3. I'm past the time frame of the chemical pregnancy, just marking time right now.

I have my first photography class tonight at U.T.A. I CAN'T WAIT!


*UPDATE*

I finally found the paper I wrote the 2nd beta info on it was 195 and the progesterone was 26.2. That sounds a little better.

Cyle day 21 test results

My cycle day 21 (actually done on cd22)progesterone test result was a disappointing 13. Apparently I did O again but I'm still not getting a hit on the OPK tests. Dr. W said she would bump my dosage up to 100 mg for the next round of clomid if we didn't get a postive this month but when the NY nurse called with my results she wanted to argue with me about it. WTF! I'm still not a fan of this nurse but I guess I have to tolerate her so I can see the doctor I want. maybe she'll move on to another doctor soon.

I am (once again) sure this cycle was a bust. I was secretly hoping that this month would be the one. Our FIRST anniversary is on the 2nd and that would have been a great present to stick in my husband's card. On second thought....I did that on his birthday and that didn't turn out so well.

I think I'm going to go treat myself to a mani-pedi and then pick up my book for my first official photography class that starts on the 3rd. Distractions are good.

MTHFR

Well....MOTHER F*****!!! Looks like I've got MTHFR to deal with too. The doctor said they don't think that is what is causing the recurrent m/c but they don't really know for sure. Looks like Dr. Google will be my friend tonight.
On the bright side I have a good size follicle and a few smaller ones that are coming along nicely. She asked if I wanted to do the trigger shot but I think we'll see how this month goes and try that next month if we have to.

I went in for another round of trigger point injections this morning too. They did 2 more nerve blocks in my forehead Oh my god those hurt! I started to hyperventalate and got a little lightheaded before she reminded me to breath S L O W L Y. After letting me catch my breath Dr. D did a couple more in my lower jaw 4 more in my scalp. It feels weird to raise my eyebrows now so of course that is what I am sitting here doing.

Good thing I was in a good mood....

I stopped at the Doller Tree store last night to stock up on OPK tests and pregnancy tests for this round. I always buy a few other things so they won't look at me like the crazy lady with the basket full of tests every other week.
This time I was checked out by some guy that obviously doesn't have an ounce of tact in his body. As he's scanning my stuff he's looking at the tests and reading them and then said rather loudly "What do you use these for? Do these really work?" Lucky for him I didn't have a killer headache and was in a realatively good mood. I politely and laughingly said, "I wouldn't be buying so many of them if they didn't work."

On a really bright note....I didn't even have to take tylenol over the weekend! YAY! Headaches aren't GONE but they are much less severe. I guess this is how normal people feel?

Sweet relief....almost

I went to my pain specialist today for some trigger point injections. I ended up with 2 nerve block injections at C1 (1st vertabrea just below the base of my skull) and oh mama did those suckers HURT! She also gave me 8 trigger point injections 6 in my scalp 2 just behind my jaw joint. So now instead of massive blinding headache all day long it's just a moderate headache.
I go back next week and I may have her add a few more spots that are pretty tender.
I have blue permenant marker X's on my face where she did the jaw injections. I'm so stylish.

Round 2

We are almost through the second round of Clomid. Friday I had a massive work related rage that I had to be careful stayed internal. Poor Dave was a sympathetic ear that evening as I ranted about it. I HATE dealing with liars and morons and I was knee deep in both all day long.
On the bright side, we had a nice Good Friday dinner of sushi and after a couple of nice cold beers my mood was much brighter.

Oh and funny story of the week was the SS asking me what a circumcision was. I tried to keep a straigh face and answer him in a very clinical manner. It seemed to work. And then he asked me if he had been and I told him he should ask his father. Thank goodness he didn't ask much more.

I love it when I'm wrong...

Just don't tell my Husband.

The nurse called me yesterday to make sure I had the info for my appointment with the pain specialist on the 1st.* While I had her on the phone I asked if my day 21 test was back yet so put me on hold while she tracked it down. I didn't think it was going to show that I Oed but the test came back at 21.7. Anything over 10 is good so my 43 year old girly parts are over achievers!



*They keep adding people to the very small room we are working in and the noise level is making my headaches go ballistic. I'm hoping I can get trigger point injections. It's getting to the point I can't function at work and their "you are just going to have to get used to it" statement doesn't excactly help.

Another blood test.

I don't think the metformin/clomid worked. I never did get a good solid line on the OPK this month. I go in the morning to have a blood test run to see if I O'ed or not. I can pretty much guarantee it's going to be NOT. ~sigh~

We'll just try again next month at a higher dose.

some new test results

The nurse left me a message with some of the test results from last week. I was really pleased to hear that my FSH was only 7.5! Wow! For being 43 that is pretty darn good!
Thyroid is holding steady as are the estrogen levels. The only thing acting up is the glucose which came in at 113. Not terribly high but they think the Metformin will help bring it down to a more reasonable number.
I'm feeling pretty optomistic about things right now. Still holding my breath but hopeful.

Not much to tell these days...

That last m/c knocked my system for a loop and it hasn't figured out how to reset itself yet. I went to the Dr last Thursday and they gave me a thorough once over. Blood tests, ultrasound, etc. We switched some meds up and added the Metformin I've been reading up on. Both overies show 5 to 7 follicles which is good so they put me on Clomid to see if that will help get the ball rolling.
Dr. W warned me that it has a pretty high risk of twins but we have that already with my family history so I'm pretty ok if we get a twofer. D says he is too....with a terrified look in his eye. LOL I had fun teasing him about it this weekend.
Other than wanting to smack some stupid people at a concert Saturday night, I haven't had too many side effects from the Clomid. Let's hope that doesn't change and also that it does the trick.

Snow!

The Miscarriage


Some species can crack pavement with their shoots
to get their share of sun some species lay
a purple froth of eggs and leave it there
to sprinkle tidepools with tadpole confetti
some species though you stomp them in the carpet
have already stashed away the families
that will inherit every floor at midnight
But others don’t go forth and multiply
as boldly male and female peeling the bamboo
their keepers watching in despair or those
endangered species numbered individually
and mapped from perch to oblivious perch


For weeks the world it seemed was plagued
with babies forests dwindling into cradles
rows of women hissing for an obstetrician
babies no one could feed babies received
by accident like misdirected mail
from God so many babies people hired
women to hold them babies babies everywhere
but not a one to name When we got home
the local news showed us a mother with
quintuplets she was suckling them in shifts
a mountain of sheets universally admired
a goddess of fertility her smile
could persuade the skies to rain Her litter
slept ointment-eyed in pink wool caps while Dad
ran his hand through his hair thinking maybe
of money as he stood surveying his
crowded living room his wealth of heartbeats


Pizza and pop that night and there unasked inside
the bottlecap was Sorry—Try Again
you set it down and did not speak of it
the moon flanked by her brood of stars that night
a chaste distracted kiss goodnight that night
your body quiet having spilled its secret
your palms flat on your belly holding holding


Forgive me if I had no words that night
but I was wondering in the silence still
begetting silence whether to console you
if I consoled you it would make the loss
your loss and so we laid beside ourselves
a while because I had no words until
our bodies folded shut our bodies closed
around hope like a book preserving petals
a book we did not open till the morning when
we found hope dry and brittle but intact

- Amit Majmudar (published in the October 2005 issue of Poetry.)

Feeling a little better....

I had A GREAT adjustment from the chiro last night. He is ART certified (Active Release Techniques. Active Release Techniques, or ART, is a patented, soft tissue system that treats problems with muscles, tendons, ligaments, fascia and nerves) so he spent quite a while working on my "mouse shoulder". Then a hard traction pull to pop C1 back into place and I feel like a new person...almost. It's pretty sore today but it's MUCH better than it's been since Saturday. I may go back for another visit this week just to make sure things stay put.
Second good thing that happened last night was the pharmacy was able to find the right maker for my Rx. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. My brain is still pretty scattered and sticking to one thought for more than 10 seconds is tough, but it's better. AND I haven't had a single chest pain all day. YAY!
Work is kind of quiet today too. We had to evacuate the building for about an hour while they looked for a natural gas leak. It was a tad nippy out there but a bad day of being evacuated is better than a good day of working here. LOL
I've got two great music shows to look forward to this week and I'm going to check out a pottery store I found in Ft Worth Saturday morning. Maybe I can find someone to fire my pottery so I can start throwing again.

Things....

I am making myself crazy reading all those babylost and infertility blogs. I tell myself that I'm going to find the "magic bullet" that makes the next pregnancy successful. But in reality I'm just pickin at the scab and I can't seem to stop.
The only thing that I've found that could be useful was the use of DHEA to improve egg quality and I'm not even sure that would apply to me.

I already take fish oil, prenatal vitamins and try to take ai.rbo.rne as often as possible. Every time I've gotten pregnant I had been putting 3-4 ai.rbo.rne tablets in a Route 44 sonic cup and sipping on it all day. I don't know if any of these things help but I'm at least trying to help things along.

Here is my daily lineup:

2 90mg natural dessicated thyroid either at bedtime or several hours after vitamins
prenatal vitamin
fish oil
vitamin E
Folic Acid
DHEA
vitamin B6
5 drop iodine supplement (supposed to help w/thyroid)
baby aspirin
and of course Ai.rbo.rne when I remember to pick it up at the store.(mostly vitamin A and C)

Anyone know of a good snake oil? I might as well add that too. LOL.

I know...my mood sucks these days. Between zero happy drugs in my system, BFN's and the constant head/neck pain which is made worse by all the weather changes we've had lately I'm just a joy to be around right now. I'll pick up the new rx tonight if the chiro doesn't take too long. Maybe it will even be warm enough to get a little walk in...although I think that is being overly ambitious for today.

Did I tell you I had a dream the other night that I was offered a new job? A part time job that actually took advantage of my skills and talents (whatever those are...the dream didn't reveal that information to me unfortunately) my salary was going to be $87,500. Yeah, that was the moment I knew I was dreaming.

It's February? Seriously?

Nothing new to tell on the TTC front. I'm not even sure things are working like they are supposed to after the chemical pregnancy. I stocked up on op tests at Dollar Tree yesterday. I can go crazy and test for the next couple of weeks just to see if things are working again. If they aren't I might try to talk to the doctor again about trying metformin. It can't hurt to try.

Yesterday was a good day with the SS. For the first time since his mother's death he actually talked about her. He wanted to make some haystacks like she used to make for Christmas, so I made a quick run to the store. He and I (mostly he) made a big ol batch of them and then made a batch of peanut butter cups. I took some pictures of him cooking and his dad took a couple of pictures of the SS and I working in the kitchen. I'm glad he's finally talking about her. Dave and I talk about her to him but this is the first time he has brought her up on his own. Now if I could just get him to use more soap when he showers.....

I've been pretty bummed the last few weeks. I have been taking a Rx for depression/anxiety since the first loss. When I had it refilled in January Tar.get had switched brands. Usually that isn't a big deal but for some reason this batch just isn't working well for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but sit with the remote and channel surf. I thought it was just the stress at work that was making me feel that way. Plus I have been having lots of chest pains. They start about 7:45 am and last until 5:30ish which means it's stress and not a heart attack. But then I realized that it had only started getting bad when I started taking these new pills. I stopped taking them immediately and over the last few days the chest pains have gotten better. They aren't gone but they aren't stopping me in my tracks anymore. I couldn't find a pharmacy that had the old brand so I'm going to try the another brand. Fingers crossed they will be ok. I'll give them a couple of weeks and if the pains don't go away I'll go back to the doctor.