Friday, September 24, 2010

The reason I didn't try to have children until now....

I grew up in a house where the mother screamed at us every day from the minutes SHE woke up until the minute SHE went to bed.
I spent most of my childhood running away from home to whatever safe haven I could find. Mostly it was riding my rusty little old bike to our nearest neighbor's house where I would pester poor Florence all afternoon until she got the phone call to send me home for supper. That woman was a saint and must have known how horrible it was at home for me.
I ran across a video today that gave me chills it was so much like my childhood....well...except for the obnoxious teenager that was egging his mother on. Most of the time we just tried to avoid that woman period. Listen to it....that is the kind of reaction we got when we didn't load the dishwasher correctly, when the laundry wasn't folded perfectly. Hell, even when I cleaned her house one day that was how she reacted. Every conversation with her until I was in my late 20's ended with her screaming at me and telling me she wished I was "dead and in hell".
For years and years I was terrified every day that if I had children I would treat them the way she treated us and especially me. It's taken me a VERY LONG TIME to know I won't.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

One moody bitch...

I've been really cranky this week. I think it really hit me hard that last month was a bust. I'm angry and tired and rundown and everywhere I turn someone else announces their pregnancy. And I KNOW, even though I've tried not to, I know I've been taking it out on poor Dave.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sucky week....

The last week has just SUCKED.

My lunch buddy was telling me that her pregnant sister has decided to give up her baby for adoption. She has 4 other kids and doesn’t raise them either. She dumped them on her ex husband when she hooked up with a new guy. That just makes my heart hurt.

Two days in a row at work the main topic of conversation for the MEN in my department was…you guessed it. Yammering’ loudly about trying to get their girlfriends pregnant. I tried to ignore it but ended up with chest pains by the end of the day (probably from holding my breath all afternoon) and a permanent lump in my throat.

Oh and remember the wedding I photographed a few weeks ago… yup. The bride is pregnant too. CRAP! Sucker punch to the gut.

My best friend said she just had to bury herself in work when dealing with all the yammering and crap. She’s a better person than I am. I can’t think clear enough to get anything done. I just zone out.

So now I’m just sitting here waiting on cd1. Test was negative on Saturday, not that I had any symptoms or anything to make me think it would be positive. I may test again today or tomorrow just to torture myself and then maybe by Wednesday I can start obsessing again about my next opportunity.

I’ll try to keep myself busy with some photography. That always puts me in a better mood. I am supposed to help shoot a wedding on Sunday, but I told my neighbors that I would be available to help them out at any other weddings they have going on this weekend as well. The experience would be great for me and the distraction would be very welcome.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


This will be my last two week wait. I got the best reading every on the opk...shockingly good reading I should say. Felt like crap that evening too so maybe it cut more than one egg loose. Wouldn't THAT be a hoot! (I would love it Dave would have a heart attack) I'm at 2 dpo and already obsessing about it.

I have so much to keep me busy for the next couple of weeks. I STILL need to edit the pictures from the wedding. I was waiting for our neighbor (the wedding photographer) to come back from his trip so I could run all the pictures through his apple aperture program. But I think I'm tired of waiting and I know the bride would love to have her pictures sooner rather than later. So that is my goal for this weekend while Dave is off playing golf.

I think I found somewhere to take an in depth class on photoshop. The place I'm taking the photography courses does a really FAST class on it but I think that would just be overwhelming to me since I've never worked with it before. I need to give them a call today so I can get enrolled soon. I think there is a class starting this month.

Ooohhh and I found a local college that has a pottery class. I have my own wheel but it has two speeds and I need to have one has a peddle that I can control the speed with. It makes such a difference when I am trimming my pieces up.

I'm hoping they have a class that starts soon so I can make stuff to actually fire and glaze and fire again instead of making it then destroying it. I hate having to do that!

We have a friend that does an open house for her massage business twice a year. I don't think I would be able to get pieces fired for the one this fall but maybe for the next one. Wouldn't it be a hoot to make money doing what I love instead of working for nitpicking, control freakin, backstabbing, people that lie to make the rest of us look bad just so they can cover their ass. Bitter? Me? NAH....