One month later...

It's been one month since we confirmed there wasn't a heartbeat. I am still waiting...still spotting...still hoping that it will skip this weekend since Dave has a gig and we will be taking the teardrop so we can stay the night and not drive NYE. Oh Lord PLEASE don't let anything happen while we are at the party. That would be a nightmare because then everyone would know. These are a bunch of over 50 and 60 folks that had their kids at 20 something and don't understand why in the world someone would want to have a baby at my age. (yeah, one has pretty much told me that so I just don't want to hear the judgemental comments and be the hot topic of conversation for another group. Ah hell...I probably am already. sigh)

I got a call from my regular ob's nurse today. She had gotten the paperwork from the RE's office and was calling to tell me how sorry she was. She really really really wants to see us go for a donor egg. She was telling me how they can match us and no one would ever know that we used a donor egg because it would look like me. I don't know. I think I am getting closer to wanting to hear more about it. I have tried to bring it up to Dave and he just says it wouldn't be part of me. I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to go there....another part says IF this is the only way I can have a baby then maybe that is what I will need to do.

It's hard not to get ahead of myself. I am still waiting for this miscarriage to happen. After the phone call with the nurse I called the RE's office to see if I can take something to speed up the process. After the problems I had with the last d&e I really don't want to do another if I don't have to. They finally called back this afternoon and I will either hear from the Doctor tonight or the office will call me tomorrow. I'm just ready for this to be over. Maybe when I talk to the office tomorrow I will make an appointment for Dave and I to go and talk to them about using one of the donor cycles later in the month.

Yes....I did.

I wrapped the rest of their Christmas gifts in the worst dollar store birthday paper I could find.

Not too bad...

The minute I got home my SS came out of his room (amazing feat in itself) and told me Happy Birthday. That was sweet. Totally unexpected too.

Dave got home a little after I did so we loaded "the beef" in the freezer. It JUST fit. OK so it does make me happy to have all that beef and a big box of bones I can use for stock. But it's still not a birthday present.

Right after that Dave said he had to "run to the store to get beer" and that he "would be right back" so I was to get ready to go out for dinner.

Almost an hour later he shows up. Uh huh....can we say desperate scramble for a birthday gift? Yeah...me too.

Dinner was really good. We went to a new sushi place that we haven't been to before. Very nice staff. We will definitely go back. I got a gift card to help buy a new coat (anyone want to guess what the receipt time stamp said?) He still kept talking about the damn beef so I told him again that food for the whole family is not a birthday gift. He tried to jokingly guilt me a little with how much it cost. That was a little irritating but I didn't let it ruin the night.

When we got home the SS came out and gave me a gift....wrapped in Christmas paper. I told him he did a nice job of wrapping it (didn't say a word about the paper) and he said his dad did that. Uh huh. So he really didn't have anything for me. Didn't even think to get something for me that was actually FROM my SS and he's giving me one of my Christmas presents for my birthday. Seriously? We have HAD this talk many times. He knows how weird I get about that. ~sigh~

Still. It was something I wanted. A fishing pole...A PINK fishing pole and the box from the SS was full of lures and hooks. So now I can go catch me some fish for the freezer. Betcha I get a fishing license in my stocking for Christmas.

I'm not sure he actually got me a whole cake (I didn't look in the fridge) but he at least got a few slices of the Sacher Torte from L.a Ma.deli.ne. Made me cry.....I got a birthday cake (slice) from him. No candle but I got to have some cake...that he actually thought about and made the effort to buy just for me.......made me cry again.

Damn hormones.

TOTAL hormonal meltdown last night....

My poor husband.

He is a great husband and provider but he doesn't really get the point of buying birthday cakes and I sometimes feel like I have to prod him a bit to remember my birthday. Or that my birthday gift is NOT something you can tack onto one of my Christmas gifts. As in here ya go honey. This can be your Christmas AND birthday present even though it's wrapped in Christmas paper. Or if I'm going to buy something he'll want to just give me money for it. Which is nice. VERY NICE. But it's the lazy way out of having to think about what to buy me. I make an effort for his birthday and his son's I don't think it's asking too much that they make some effort to remember mine.

Several months ago we went in with a couple of families on getting a beef processed. I'm a farm girl and this is exciting stuff. I love being able to just go to the freezer and pull out steaks, burgers etc.

After the wreck we talked about just skipping Christmas for each other since we were going to have the expense of the freezer and beef at the same time. Just get stuff for the SS.

I've felt really bad about everything lately,the wreck, getting another car, the "impending doom", etc. Fast forward to earlier this month the beef was going to be processed right at Christmas time so we would have that expense PLUS we would have to buy a freezer to store it all in.
OK so...we are up to
beef (grass fed, grass finished)
freezer to keep beef in
wrecked car
Dr's bills
womb of doom
Christmas for the stepson
oh and I almost forgot buying a new used car and the bill from the mechanic to fix a few minor things like the timing belt and brakes that really needed to be done before I drove it much.

I am trying to be a real grown up and not make a fuss about my birthday. It's not like I really need much and I try really hard not to be high maintenance but he kept talking about giving me that damn beef for my birthday.

It really didn't help that I was having a crappy hormonal day yesterday as well.

The nightmare boss was picking on me. Guess it was my turn, who knows she is nuts.

Then I made the mistake of going to Target after work....it was filled with too many people not shopping but standing in the middle of the isle BLOCKING the entire isle while they just stood there chatting. Seriously people? grrr.... Preggos and new babies seemed to be around every corner as well. All the while I was starting to unravel just a little bit more.

By the time I got home I was in a crap mood.

I thought about just going and taking a long hot shower but that would have required effort I just didn't have. The tears kept trying to pop up but I was able to fight them back. So I grabbed a beer and joined Dave on our love seat. He kept asking if I was OK, what was wrong blah blah blah. I told him I was as good as could be expected. He mentioned the beef was coming in tomorrow (my birthday) I LOST IT. I just started sobbing. All I could get out is that it had been a really bad month and I KNOW I said it would be OK but getting that for my birthday really wasn't OK.

He started laughing saying he had been kidding but it just made me cry harder. Then he kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday which only made things worse because I'm thinking it's the night before my birthday and he has nothing.

I'm feeling a little better today but damn I hope he at least made the effort to buy me a cake.

This is getting frustrating....again...

So if you are male or someone I know IRL or both you will probably want to skip this post....don't say I didn't warn you.






So yesterday I got up from my desk at work and felt a big gush. Thank goodness I was wearing at least a liner and also grateful for having made the decision to wear black that morning!!!! I ended up having to go home change clothes and since I wasn't cramping or really having anymore bleeding I decided to just go back to work. The nighmare boss has actually been pretty decent to deal with lately...knock...on....wood!
Nothing has happened since. Nada....Zilch....sigh....
This is just so weird. I know that can't be the end of it but the waiting is really starting to get to me. Betcha anything I will be doubled over with cramps either tomorrow...yeah, that will be a great birthday present or on Christmas...an even better day to screw up. ~sigh~ Dave keeps asking how to know if he needs to take me to the emergency room. Poor guy. I forget sometimes that this is just as hard on him even though he doesn't act like it.
Anyone out there that has waited it out for a natural miscarriage and would like to share some helpful advice? I am all ears.

Just got a call from the Dr's office. He ran a blood test to see if the numbers were falling yet. They are still at 15,942 so it will probably be a while. Although when I told her about the bleeding yesterday she said that could be a good sign.

God...please let it skip my birthday...Christmas...and New Year's Eve....just make it some random day that I can block from my memory.

Still tired....

I helped photograph 2 weddings on Saturday. My feet are still killing me but it was great training. I need to go and shoot a bunch of weddings with them all in a row so I can fine tune my camera settings for each part of the wedding.

Then Sunday I met up with my sister and niece (they drove down from OK) and we braved the traffic and crowds so I could pick up a chair and ottoman for the stepson's Christmas gift at Ikea. I was surprised that the crowds weren't THAT bad. Ooh and we found the PERFECT little furniture store that had a self serve MARGARITA MACHINE. After shopping with my sister for a few hours I needed a couple of those! LOL And since I hadn't run myself completely ragged by that point we then drove to the the other side of DFW to the Stockyards in Fort Worth to watch my husband play at the Wh.ite El.epha.nt with a bunch of songwriters.
I need another weekend just to recover but at least I stayed so busy I didn't have time to focus on anything else.
Yay for staying busy!

A nice distraction...maybe...

our wedding photographer friends might need me to help with a few weddings this weekend. Fingers crossed....the practice is much appreciated even if I don't get paid for it.

Stupid Twit...

I confronted the lady that asked me if I was pregnant (in front of other people no less) when I got back from lunch. I was still steamed over it.
I asked her who she heard it from but of course she wouldn't say. Oh NOW she wants to be discreet. Uh huh. But she did say she overheard it in the lunchroom. So I am pretty sure I know whose ass is going to get kicked.
I was so upset I was visibly shaking. The stupid twit actually said "I just wanted to be excited with you". Yeah right. You just wanted to confirm the rumors so you would have the "scoop" to share with everyone at lunch.
These aren't people that give a damn about me. I have never worked in a company that is so cliquish. Not a one of them has ever made any attempt to have a conversation with me in the 3 years I've worked here, go to lunch with me etc. Which is just fine with me. They are too damn nosey and classless for my tastes anyway.
I told her Ya know there are REASONS WHY I don't tell people what is going on and to have you ask me that in front of people is extremely upsetting to me as we are trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This has been very difficult and upsetting and since you are in HR you should know better. If I wanted you to know I would have told you myself. You don't go asking people if they are pregnant because you don't have a clue what they are dealing with.

Yeah, I think she'll think twice before asking someone if they are pregnant again.

I thought I was playing it so cool....

At work anyway. I guess I was just fooling myself because THE LEAST discreet person in our company just asked me if I was pregnant and I burst into tears. Yeah...this is going to be a LONG day.

So this is where we stand.....

After the Dr did the u/s the other day we talked about what our next step should be. He said we had done everything we were supposed to but he felt that all our m/c are because of poor egg quality. He didn't think there was anything we could do to have a successful pregnancy using my own eggs.

He has 2 studies that he is running right now where we could "adopt" one of the frosties that have been donated or we could use donor eggs from his other study. Either way it would be a reduced rate. Basically just paying for the meds but still 4000-6ooo to try it.

I am torn.

If my eggs are total crap then at least if I used donor eggs I would have a better chance of having a baby that is at least Dave's DNA.

On the other hand I have spent my entire life raising other people's kids. All I wanted was to have my OWN bleach blond, skinned knee, snarky, biological child...with the left ear sticking out just like everyone else in my family has. Apparently that WAS too much to ask for.

And what if we spend the money to try and it fails? I would feel like I was robbed.

I found that CoQ10 is supposed to help with egg quality. I think I will try that first to see if it really does help. I don't think I'm ready to give up but I also don't think I'm ready for the next step.

I feel like I am offically grasping for straws now.....

Click on the link below to have a laugh at me and my co-workers. It's definately helped take my mind off the crapfest.

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/CNUgfibVf5Ugxzip

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/4z6pCl78ac70ta4Q

Not much happin...

Just wallowing in a big steaming pile of self-pity.

One of my co-workers just bought a new car and was talking about selling her old one 2001 Chevy PT Cruiser (Limited Edition) for $3000. So I think we are going to buy it. It will be a stretch since it's Xmas time but. I would rather have it since I know how well it's been taken care of. Then we can save up for a newer car in the future.
I'm just not up for another car payment right now.

My week is just getting better....

I totalled my car this morning.
I had a green arrow in the turn lane and was hit head on by a car from the opposite direction. That spun my car around and into 2 more cars. I got to take an ambulance ride to the ER on a backboard which was loads of fun but I would rather be safe than sorry. On the bright side they didn't find anything major that was wrong with me. Just a lot of bumps and bruises. You should see the one on my stomach from the seat belt. It's huge and purple.
I was pretty freaked out since I'm on blood thinners but no one seemed too concerned with that. They just couldn't wrap their head around how I could be pregnant but know that there wasn't a heartbeat. I thought that was kinda surprising but I guess they only deal with normal bad stuff not freaky fertility RPL crap.
My husband and SS (who has no clue that we have been trying to get pregnant) went to get everything out of the car. I hope Dave does that by himself because I'm sure the SS will freak out if he finds the baby bib stashed in the console (I would pull it out and channel all my mommy vibes just before scans in hopes that THAT would be the time that worked) and the what to expect when you are expecting book floating around on the floor of the car. Ehhh....maybe the kid could use a good shock.