Tight pants

There are moments when I can feel almost back to "normal" and then there are long-ass-days where I feel so pregnant that I can't believe that there isn't a bean in there.
Today was the later. I feel like crap but in the way you dream and hope to. The bb's are killing me like they are supposed to. When I came home from work I went straight to bed for a nap and now I can barely move off the couch.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband that is a great cook and dishwasher (and shots of tequila with beer chaser deliverer. Yeah, I know that's bad english.)

Seriously...~sigh~

I am so tired of my lovely Dr having to tell me "I'm so sorry". FUCK.
Another failed pregnancy....strike FOUR. This time it's a blighted ovum.
No more chances for just taking another round of Clomid, our next step is a fertility specialist. Dr. W doesn't want to waste more of our time if there is a chance of the specialist helping.

Which means we are totally screwed. My insurance company won't even pay for the Clomid they sure as hell aren't going to pay for anything more invasive.

Dave is going to check into his insurance. I wouldn't be able to switch until Dec but that is only 7 months away. It' will probably take a month for me to m/c and then another for my body to kick back into a routine. Yeah, I'm kinda ramblin right now. It's how I process crap. Sorry.

I'll let my brain calm down and then we'll make an appointment to meet with him. I've already decided that IVF isn't for us it's just too cost prohibitive. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll win the lottery between now and then. I might as well hope for "World Peace" while I'm at it.

Can I go home now?

Saw the sack, it measured 5w5d but didn't see anything in it. FUCK.
Dr. W suggested we do another bloodtest to see what my levels look like. FUCK.
I go back on Monday to see if they can find anything in there. FUCK.
CAN'T STOP CRYING. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK




*UPDATE* Dr. W just called me with the lab results. My beta came back at 25,417. I made her repeat it so I knew that was what she actually said. Ok, so that still puts me in the 5-6 week range. FIRST hurdle down, and Dave is going with me to the u/s appointment which I had to move to Tuesday. I am so relieved! It's been so hard for him to take off work now that they are shorthanded and have a guy with a bad back. I'm glad he's going to go with me. Keep praying y'all!

7 weeks!

I am completely thrilled to have raging heartburn and to be so tired after a solid night of sleep that I could fall asleep at my desk the minute I sit down. Of course the BBs are KILLING me too. YAY! Half the websites said I was 7 weeks yesterday and the other half said it was today so I will go with today...for now.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with Dr. W and then a date with a wand to confirm where we are and if things are progressing appropriately. I've been pretty nervous about the appointment and I tried to guilt my darling husband into going with me but he is still dealing with an employee that can't do much (recovering from back surgery) so I don't think he'll be able to go with me to the appointment. I really wish I could get an appointment earlier than 10 it really messes up your whole day. It's a bummer but at the same time I'm pretty ok with going solo. I'm trying to only read and think about positive outcomes.

YAY! SIX weeks....

Actually according to Dr. Google I'm 6 weeks 2 days. I'm still feeling REALLY tired all day long (after sleeping like a log) with heartburn and a touch of evening sickness instead of morning sickness. BB's hurt more at night too. yay! Come on symptoms!

3rd beta results

I did another beta yesterday it came back at 755 but my progesterone dropped from 26.2 to 14.2 YIKES! I may have to bump up the progesterone to twice a day. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr's office.
So far I'm enjoying the heartburn and general blech feeling. The only thing that sounds good to eat is mashed potatoes. The only thing I'm not enjoying is the waking up at 3:30 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I need to find out if I can take something for that. I wonder if they would let me take just half or even a 1/4 of a Tylenol pm.

Uh...

Ok, don't go getting all excited yet, but just before we left for vacation last Wednesday I got a VERY faint line on a First Response.

I had a beta bloodtest drawn just before leaving town and it came back at 25. That was a pretty cool first anniversary present! Then this morning I went in for a second and it came back at 124 with a progesterone in the 20's.

I'm trying to be very chill about it all and not get too excited until I get past the point I lost the last 3. I'm past the time frame of the chemical pregnancy, just marking time right now.

I have my first photography class tonight at U.T.A. I CAN'T WAIT!


*UPDATE*

I finally found the paper I wrote the 2nd beta info on it was 195 and the progesterone was 26.2. That sounds a little better.