Thursday, October 29, 2009

Can I go home yet?

I'm totally worthless at work today. I had to let my boss know so I could request a block of time off since I don't know if I'll miscarry on my own or need medical intervention. God forbid I not have the day I need off REQUESTED off. Fucking Bitch. She proceeded to tell me maybe I should look at alternative options. Why is it that people feel the need to tell you that? I've had 3 people tell me that in the last day. Let me make myself CLEAR PEOPLE! I DO NOT WANT TO ADOPT. I spent 20 freakin years raising everyone elses children I WANT to raise MINE now.
I was doing so blog surfing of others that have been there and ran across this from Searching for Zanity

I didn't want to adopt. I'm not judging other people's choices. I've never had any doubt that I could love an adopted child. And maybe if we had made the decision to adopt earlier, we would be parents now. I just no longer have the emotional reserves to embark on adoption, a whole 'nother roller coaster.

It's just that I wanted it all. I wanted a genetic connection to my mother. I wanted to wonder if the baby would have my nose (I hope not!) or my sense of humor (now you're talking). Now I'm supposed to come to the realization that I want to be a mother, not just pregnant with my egg and my husband's sperm, more than anything. That once the baby arrives how it got here won't matter.

Intellectually getting there is a whole lot easier than getting my heart there.

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