Ugh...

I was feeling pretty crummy last night when I got home but I thought it was because it was my first day back to work. But then last night the cramps were bad enough that I could barely sleep. This morning it's worse. Cramping with a sharp pain. The Dr's office doesn't start answering the phone until 9 so I'm trying to stay calm. I've had 2 painkillers since 5:30 and that helped some but I'm afraid I may have an infection.

The hospital visit....

Everyone that is working on your "case" has to ask you what you are there for so I had to tell literally 10 different people I was there for a d&c. Eight of these were women and I was kind of surprised that all but 1 had suffered more than 1 m/c. One turned to adoption and the rest went on to have more than 1 successful pregnancy.
My favorite Nurse, Dot, from Dr W's office came and hung out with me before surgery. I need to get her a nice card and gift for being so great. It really helped having her there. Dave would have been stressing over work since they are shorthanded and working on a big project so I told him to go to work then try to get away early to pick me up. It just seemed silly to make him sit around while I'm asleep when he really needed to be at work. I'm so used to doing things alone it wasn't a big deal to me. And just like most men he's not so comfortable dealing with "female stuff".
I had more cramping/pain on one side after the surgery so I was really grateful for those pain meds. But just like lasts time by the time I got home the bleeding was almost non existent. That really helps me mentally.
Since I had to wait a little while for Dave to get there they put me in recovery 3 which is where they put patients that are waiting on a room. I must say I recommend this if you can request it DO. The nurses were nicer than the outpaient recovery nurses I had last year. I had a comfortable bed that adjusted itself every time I moved. I had a TV which we all were glued to because of the shooting at Ft Hood and my nurse Fran made sure I had warm blankets, snacks and something to drink handy at all times.
Mentally I'm doing much better than I thought I would. I think it helped waiting a few days. It gave both of us a little time to process it. The night before surgery Dave spent a long time laying with his head on my chest and his hand on my belly saying goodbye to the little one. It was pretty heartbreaking but I think it helped me more than anything he could have said.
With our first loss it took me a really long time to get over it. Now I feel ready to move on and try again really soon. Maybe third time is the charm.

I had a dream last night

That I was at the Dr's office for another u/s. But this time the baby did have a heartbeat. Not only did it have a heartbeat but there was another one a couple of weeks younger (the dr said) that had a heartbeat.
I fell back against the wall and as I was sliding to the floor in a heap and said Oh my god! The doctor said, "well, what do you want to do". I looked at her and said "well, I want to keep it OF COURSE". And then I woke up. I really hate dreaming right now. It makes me second guess what I know.

One more day

After yesterday's incident I was just DONE with this waiting. I called the Dr's office and asked if they could move my appointment up to Thursday. (The NY nurse later said I could hear in your voice that we needed to get this taken care of.) So they had me come in for one more u/s just to confirm that there wasn't a heartbeat. There wasn't but it was oddly comforting in a way to see it again.
After my appointment, and more tears, and more hugs from my Dr and the nurses (they are so sweet)they sent me over to the hospital to do my preregistration. That was 2 more hours of waiting, and being proded and poked. Fun.
So I will go in tomorrow morning at 10 and have surgery at 12.
Dave can't get away from work so I'll be going alone. Not that it really matters. He would just be sitting around twiddling his thumbs. He doesn't do that waiting thing very well and it doesn't help that he's shorthanded at work. He would just sit there and worry and stress about work which would just make me stress even more than I already am. He'll get there as soon as he can which should be about the time we are wrapping things up.
Fingers crossed we'll start trying again in 2 weeks. Dr said we don't have to wait and it may actually help to start trying immediately.

~SIGH~

One of the very few people that knew about the pregnancy greeted me with a "goodmorning mama" today. All I could do was shake my head and burst into tears.

DAMN.

And now I can't get the waterworks to stop.

DOUBLE DAMN.

And my body STILL doesn't get that it needs to miscarry.

DOUBLE DOUBLE DAMN.

Yup

Well the nurse just confirmed it. My blood test came back at 38,184. It should be well over 100K by now so she is going to schedule the D&E for the 9th or 10th. I could do it next Friday but Dave has to be at his office all day and can't get out of it.
Maybe I'll m/c on my own this weekend. DAMN. I should have had her call in some pain killers just in case. DAMN. I really really am not looking forward to either option. DAMN.
DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...

Can I go home yet?

I'm totally worthless at work today. I had to let my boss know so I could request a block of time off since I don't know if I'll miscarry on my own or need medical intervention. God forbid I not have the day I need off REQUESTED off. Fucking Bitch. She proceeded to tell me maybe I should look at alternative options. Why is it that people feel the need to tell you that? I've had 3 people tell me that in the last day. Let me make myself CLEAR PEOPLE! I DO NOT WANT TO ADOPT. I spent 20 freakin years raising everyone elses children I WANT to raise MINE now.
I was doing so blog surfing of others that have been there and ran across this from Searching for Zanity


I didn't want to adopt. I'm not judging other people's choices. I've never had any doubt that I could love an adopted child. And maybe if we had made the decision to adopt earlier, we would be parents now. I just no longer have the emotional reserves to embark on adoption, a whole 'nother roller coaster.

It's just that I wanted it all. I wanted a genetic connection to my mother. I wanted to wonder if the baby would have my nose (I hope not!) or my sense of humor (now you're talking). Now I'm supposed to come to the realization that I want to be a mother, not just pregnant with my egg and my husband's sperm, more than anything. That once the baby arrives how it got here won't matter.

Intellectually getting there is a whole lot easier than getting my heart there.