Snow!

The Miscarriage


Some species can crack pavement with their shoots
to get their share of sun some species lay
a purple froth of eggs and leave it there
to sprinkle tidepools with tadpole confetti
some species though you stomp them in the carpet
have already stashed away the families
that will inherit every floor at midnight
But others don’t go forth and multiply
as boldly male and female peeling the bamboo
their keepers watching in despair or those
endangered species numbered individually
and mapped from perch to oblivious perch


For weeks the world it seemed was plagued
with babies forests dwindling into cradles
rows of women hissing for an obstetrician
babies no one could feed babies received
by accident like misdirected mail
from God so many babies people hired
women to hold them babies babies everywhere
but not a one to name When we got home
the local news showed us a mother with
quintuplets she was suckling them in shifts
a mountain of sheets universally admired
a goddess of fertility her smile
could persuade the skies to rain Her litter
slept ointment-eyed in pink wool caps while Dad
ran his hand through his hair thinking maybe
of money as he stood surveying his
crowded living room his wealth of heartbeats


Pizza and pop that night and there unasked inside
the bottlecap was Sorry—Try Again
you set it down and did not speak of it
the moon flanked by her brood of stars that night
a chaste distracted kiss goodnight that night
your body quiet having spilled its secret
your palms flat on your belly holding holding


Forgive me if I had no words that night
but I was wondering in the silence still
begetting silence whether to console you
if I consoled you it would make the loss
your loss and so we laid beside ourselves
a while because I had no words until
our bodies folded shut our bodies closed
around hope like a book preserving petals
a book we did not open till the morning when
we found hope dry and brittle but intact

- Amit Majmudar (published in the October 2005 issue of Poetry.)

Feeling a little better....

I had A GREAT adjustment from the chiro last night. He is ART certified (Active Release Techniques. Active Release Techniques, or ART, is a patented, soft tissue system that treats problems with muscles, tendons, ligaments, fascia and nerves) so he spent quite a while working on my "mouse shoulder". Then a hard traction pull to pop C1 back into place and I feel like a new person...almost. It's pretty sore today but it's MUCH better than it's been since Saturday. I may go back for another visit this week just to make sure things stay put.
Second good thing that happened last night was the pharmacy was able to find the right maker for my Rx. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. My brain is still pretty scattered and sticking to one thought for more than 10 seconds is tough, but it's better. AND I haven't had a single chest pain all day. YAY!
Work is kind of quiet today too. We had to evacuate the building for about an hour while they looked for a natural gas leak. It was a tad nippy out there but a bad day of being evacuated is better than a good day of working here. LOL
I've got two great music shows to look forward to this week and I'm going to check out a pottery store I found in Ft Worth Saturday morning. Maybe I can find someone to fire my pottery so I can start throwing again.

Things....

I am making myself crazy reading all those babylost and infertility blogs. I tell myself that I'm going to find the "magic bullet" that makes the next pregnancy successful. But in reality I'm just pickin at the scab and I can't seem to stop.
The only thing that I've found that could be useful was the use of DHEA to improve egg quality and I'm not even sure that would apply to me.

I already take fish oil, prenatal vitamins and try to take ai.rbo.rne as often as possible. Every time I've gotten pregnant I had been putting 3-4 ai.rbo.rne tablets in a Route 44 sonic cup and sipping on it all day. I don't know if any of these things help but I'm at least trying to help things along.

Here is my daily lineup:

2 90mg natural dessicated thyroid either at bedtime or several hours after vitamins
prenatal vitamin
fish oil
vitamin E
Folic Acid
DHEA
vitamin B6
5 drop iodine supplement (supposed to help w/thyroid)
baby aspirin
and of course Ai.rbo.rne when I remember to pick it up at the store.(mostly vitamin A and C)

Anyone know of a good snake oil? I might as well add that too. LOL.

I know...my mood sucks these days. Between zero happy drugs in my system, BFN's and the constant head/neck pain which is made worse by all the weather changes we've had lately I'm just a joy to be around right now. I'll pick up the new rx tonight if the chiro doesn't take too long. Maybe it will even be warm enough to get a little walk in...although I think that is being overly ambitious for today.

Did I tell you I had a dream the other night that I was offered a new job? A part time job that actually took advantage of my skills and talents (whatever those are...the dream didn't reveal that information to me unfortunately) my salary was going to be $87,500. Yeah, that was the moment I knew I was dreaming.

It's February? Seriously?

Nothing new to tell on the TTC front. I'm not even sure things are working like they are supposed to after the chemical pregnancy. I stocked up on op tests at Dollar Tree yesterday. I can go crazy and test for the next couple of weeks just to see if things are working again. If they aren't I might try to talk to the doctor again about trying metformin. It can't hurt to try.

Yesterday was a good day with the SS. For the first time since his mother's death he actually talked about her. He wanted to make some haystacks like she used to make for Christmas, so I made a quick run to the store. He and I (mostly he) made a big ol batch of them and then made a batch of peanut butter cups. I took some pictures of him cooking and his dad took a couple of pictures of the SS and I working in the kitchen. I'm glad he's finally talking about her. Dave and I talk about her to him but this is the first time he has brought her up on his own. Now if I could just get him to use more soap when he showers.....

I've been pretty bummed the last few weeks. I have been taking a Rx for depression/anxiety since the first loss. When I had it refilled in January Tar.get had switched brands. Usually that isn't a big deal but for some reason this batch just isn't working well for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but sit with the remote and channel surf. I thought it was just the stress at work that was making me feel that way. Plus I have been having lots of chest pains. They start about 7:45 am and last until 5:30ish which means it's stress and not a heart attack. But then I realized that it had only started getting bad when I started taking these new pills. I stopped taking them immediately and over the last few days the chest pains have gotten better. They aren't gone but they aren't stopping me in my tracks anymore. I couldn't find a pharmacy that had the old brand so I'm going to try the another brand. Fingers crossed they will be ok. I'll give them a couple of weeks and if the pains don't go away I'll go back to the doctor.