Reading....

Ok, so you can laugh at me now.


I got a reading from an online psychic recently.


Hmmm......does that make me a loony tune?




Carla, huggggggggggggggsss it feels like you guys keep hitting your heads against the wall over and over and over again, it is like you are trying to fight your own destiny and lose every single time and then go back to the same destructive behavior which is creating a nightmare for you in your relationship and marriage..........childbirth and children are supposed to be a blessing not a curse, a joyous time...not stressful and upsetting....sensing you should go with the flow...events and situations are guideposts for you...signs to read and follow to get back on the path you are supposed to be walking....maybe foster parenting is what is called for now....to take in abused children with no home or love and shower them with all your pent up love and giving.....to release the love and affection you want so badly to give.....and maybe in the process of that...a miracle will happen...God will bless you for your efforts and provide you with children...maybe not naturally...but does it really matter?? parenting is more than a biological even...some of the worst parents in the world are biological parents and nothing else...it takes more than that...try the donor eggs....you must....ask God for a miracle and a blessing...pray over it...then i want you to relax and let go...put all your stress and worry in God's Hands...what will be will be...give it a shot..with that attitude...if it is meant to be..it will happen..if not..you tried and again....feeling so very strongly that adoption of a very abused young girl is your path...there is a soul out there that needs you so very badly...and the fit will be magical and what you guys were destined to do ..all along.......stop the negative thinking and start praying....only positive thoughts..from this point on...nothing negative..with the understanding that things are in God;s Hands....Children are little miracles and gifts from God that are to be cherished..irregardless if they are own biologically or not....this is what i am sensing for you........Reiki Blessings of fertility and peace and love and wisdom and courage and faith on the way to you both, may God Bless you and give you the wisdom to follow His Lead and to have the faith of a child.........amen and amen...huggggggggggggggggggggggggss

I can't bring myself to go back there....

Last week I went in for another blood. It had dropped to 8. Not pregnant is anything below 5. The nurse told me to schedule another blood test but I just can't do it. Enough! 3 measly points is not going to matter. I usually don't have a problem with the extra tests and such that I have to do. NORMALLY. But this just feels excessive.
But seriously? I can't see the value in yet another $40 test to tell me that my HCG has dropped from 8 to below 5. It's not like I am an IVF patient. And the desperation that made me think we would go straight into a DE cycle has calmed down as the hormones have dropped. Right this minute I do not want to think about getting pregnant.
I have started taking my vitamins and regular doses of meds again. I always stop taking everything right after a m/c and it takes about a month before I feel up for starting that routine back up. I'm not taking the "trying to get pregnant" doses. Just the regular "gotta maintain this shit" dose.
I think I'll put that $40 towards a mani/pedi.

Stepping back and refocusing...

I'm tired of being cranky. I'm tired of this funk that won't go away. Mostly, I'm tired of being in pain. So I went and had more injections, 8 in total, in my jaw joint and muscles that lead up from the jaw area. Ahhh...sweet...RELIEF!!!

Amazing how just fixing that will help with the mood swings.

I even tolerated sitting in the waiting room for FOUR HOURS because I really needed the pain relief. Needless to say I won't be going back to that Doctor after having to wait that long, but I think I found another Dr that has an office near where I work and near home too.

I have been focusing on getting my photography business started. I am still trying to narrow down the name I want to use though. I have about 4 that I like. I was thinking of posting them here so I could get some feedback....or suggestions. Oh and I just had to share my favorite picture of the weekend. ~sigh~ I just love it. Of course, it helps to have a great model....oh and R.ad.ney is pretty photogenic too. He's such a sweetheart.

Speaking of things I love.....

I found something to help me cope with all the losses and crap that have been sucking me down into a deep dark black hole of dispair.

You sure you want to see this?

Awwww.....

Introducing Nell my new "therapy" dog. Such a sweet and prissy little thing. LOL Of course, I wasn't thinking she was so sweet at 4:15 this morning when she woke me up and wouldn't stop crying. That's ok I loved every sleepless minute of it.

You have got to be freakin kidding...

The 16 year old stepson started a new gym class this semester. He was all excited because they will be doing a bunch of different stuff. He's not exactly an athletic kid even though he's over 6 foot and would be a great at basket ball.

So day before yesterday they did weightlifting. YESTERDAY morning he refused to get out of bed to go to school because he was SORE. WTF. Are you freaking kidding me? And of course his Dad caves and lets him stay home.

I was so pissed I could have spit nails and every time I thought about it it just made me more mad. I was still pissed when I got home last night. I was a bit of a smart ass when the SS finally came out of his room to go run an errand with his dad. I asked if he needed help walking cause you know that is really difficult to do. Dumbass.

Good thing I had a photography class to go to so I didn't have to deal with either one of them because there would have been a huge fight.

109 and falling...

Ugh. I just KNEW that last weekend was the last round of "crud".

Nope.

The u/s on Monday showed that there are a few stragglers that just don't want to give up yet. (It looked like a jigsaw puzzle in there.) They had switched it over to show blood flow which was pretty cool to see but really annoying to see that it's not done yet.

Blood test came back at 109 so we are heading in the right direction.

I want to try another round (or two) on our own before going with DE (if we ever do) but I want to try using steroids along with the rest of the meds. Doc calls it hocus pocus but even though research says it really doesn't help if I WANT to try it he is good with it. He said he used a lot of h/p when he and his wife were trying to get pregnant and now they have a 4 and 6 year old.

Dr. K also gave me a Rx for a high powered antibiotic since it's taking a while to get rid of everything. I don't have an infection but it's just to keep me from getting one. I almost had a heart attack when I got it filled. I really thought they were kidding when they said how much it was. I guess I've been spoiled with cheap(ish) generic drugs until now. LOL! The girl at Target gave me a $10 gift card since it was a new Rx instead of giving me the coupon to use the next time I had a new Rx.

I go back Monday for another look.

Oh and I almost forgot. Dr. K said I looked and sounded like I was getting my "spark" back. Awww...thanks. I needed that.

Dave has been busy practicing with a new band and helping a friend record a new album so I think that has helped keep him distracted. So far the getting blotto was just a few isolated instances. Thank goodness! I get a little freaked out if I think he's drinking too much even though to others it probably isn't.

We were sitting in the living room after he got home from practice on Sunday and he was talking about how blessed he feels, despite all the crap that we've dealt with, and how nice it was to feel appreciated by me and all these other folks. I am glad he feels that way.

SOME good news....

The RE wanted to do a d&e last Friday but when I went in on Thursday the u/s looked like there was just a little tissue left. They didn't see the sac so he said that either I passed it already or it's collapsed and I should pass it soon. The good news was I didn't have to do surgery.
I've been really pissy with Dave lately. Over stupid stuff. Well not so stupid. He comes home after a hard day of work and has a beer...or two. I don't have a problem with that. BUT when he comes home and has a couple of shots....several beers and then most of a bottle of wine it pisses me off. ESPECIALLY when he keeps me awake all night with his snoring. I'm sure that is his way of dealing with the crapfest but I am NOT going to deal with a drunk every night. It's time for him to start reining it in.
Yeah I know. I'm getting bitchy. I started back on the happy pills this week.

Almost done...

Friday and Saturday night I woke up with lots of cramping, bleeding etc. It tapered off so I thought it was done. Tuesday it started up again with the cramping but not much more. Wednesday was more of the same so we did an u/s this morning. It looks like the sac passed or has collapsed and will pass very soon and it only looked like a little more tissue was left to get rid of. Thank goodness I will be able to avoid surgery. They had me scheduled to do another D&E on Friday but we were able to cancel that.
I feel like this has lasted 6 months.

I told the Dr that Dave and I wanted to come in and really talk about the nitty gritty of doing a donor egg. He's excited that we are more open to the idea of going that route. Obviously I can get pregnant and stay pregnant I just am not getting good quality eggs of my own to make a viable baby. ~sigh~ He said to take a little time to get over this one and in a few weeks make an appointment. With my age I can't wait too long though.

I'm loading up on amino acids, vit C, B, E, Zinc and CoQ10 in the meantime. Maybe just maybe I can come up with one good egg of my own in a couple of months and we won't need to look at the DE route.