Lost..

Nell the puppy is lost. My heart is broken.
The stepson was watching her. She was outside sleeping at 9 am then when he went to check on her around 10:30 she was gone.
We've put signs up, looked everywhere at least 3 times. Nothing
Dave is broken up, the ss is angry and I don't know how many more losses I have in me.
Wanna know what the real kicker is? She was 9 weeks. Can't even keep a dog past 9 weeks.

Having trouble deciding....

I have 2 names for my photography business that I am torn between. So I am asking for a vote to help me decide. I checked and both names are available so if anyone steals my idea I'll come and kick your hiney! LOL

Name #1

Cu.rly Wil.low Pho.togr.aphy

Name #2

Ba.rbed Wi.re and Bego.ni.as Phot.ograhy

Cast your vote......NOW!!! Cause I'm registering the name next week.

You are kidding? Right?

There is a really obnoxious person that I work with that made my life hell when I was in that department (a whole 20 feet away from where I am now) I couldn't talk to a customer on the phone without them having to hear her singing off key, burping, belching and yes... farting.



Guess who is pregnant? BARELY PREGNANT?


Also.....

Guess who sent out an email to everyone in the company yesterday asking for address so they could send BABY SHOWER INVITATIONS out in AUGUST. WTF?!?!? Afraid you aren't going to get enough PRESENTS you greedy little pig?

I am behaving very well. I didn't say anything about the tacky factor of it all. I just deleted the email....but not before sending it to my best friend so we could roll our eyes in unison.

I was going to wait and just quit when I got my photography business up and running but I am thinking for sanity's sake I need to find another job even if it's just part time so I can regroup and get back to the person I know deep down I still am. Being in this toxic (literally and figuratively) building just kills my spirit a little more everyday. I barely recognize myself anymore.

But again....I am keeping all that to myself and playing nicely with others until I can escape.

Reading....

Ok, so you can laugh at me now.


I got a reading from an online psychic recently.


Hmmm......does that make me a loony tune?




Carla, huggggggggggggggsss it feels like you guys keep hitting your heads against the wall over and over and over again, it is like you are trying to fight your own destiny and lose every single time and then go back to the same destructive behavior which is creating a nightmare for you in your relationship and marriage..........childbirth and children are supposed to be a blessing not a curse, a joyous time...not stressful and upsetting....sensing you should go with the flow...events and situations are guideposts for you...signs to read and follow to get back on the path you are supposed to be walking....maybe foster parenting is what is called for now....to take in abused children with no home or love and shower them with all your pent up love and giving.....to release the love and affection you want so badly to give.....and maybe in the process of that...a miracle will happen...God will bless you for your efforts and provide you with children...maybe not naturally...but does it really matter?? parenting is more than a biological even...some of the worst parents in the world are biological parents and nothing else...it takes more than that...try the donor eggs....you must....ask God for a miracle and a blessing...pray over it...then i want you to relax and let go...put all your stress and worry in God's Hands...what will be will be...give it a shot..with that attitude...if it is meant to be..it will happen..if not..you tried and again....feeling so very strongly that adoption of a very abused young girl is your path...there is a soul out there that needs you so very badly...and the fit will be magical and what you guys were destined to do ..all along.......stop the negative thinking and start praying....only positive thoughts..from this point on...nothing negative..with the understanding that things are in God;s Hands....Children are little miracles and gifts from God that are to be cherished..irregardless if they are own biologically or not....this is what i am sensing for you........Reiki Blessings of fertility and peace and love and wisdom and courage and faith on the way to you both, may God Bless you and give you the wisdom to follow His Lead and to have the faith of a child.........amen and amen...huggggggggggggggggggggggggss

I can't bring myself to go back there....

Last week I went in for another blood. It had dropped to 8. Not pregnant is anything below 5. The nurse told me to schedule another blood test but I just can't do it. Enough! 3 measly points is not going to matter. I usually don't have a problem with the extra tests and such that I have to do. NORMALLY. But this just feels excessive.
But seriously? I can't see the value in yet another $40 test to tell me that my HCG has dropped from 8 to below 5. It's not like I am an IVF patient. And the desperation that made me think we would go straight into a DE cycle has calmed down as the hormones have dropped. Right this minute I do not want to think about getting pregnant.
I have started taking my vitamins and regular doses of meds again. I always stop taking everything right after a m/c and it takes about a month before I feel up for starting that routine back up. I'm not taking the "trying to get pregnant" doses. Just the regular "gotta maintain this shit" dose.
I think I'll put that $40 towards a mani/pedi.

Stepping back and refocusing...

I'm tired of being cranky. I'm tired of this funk that won't go away. Mostly, I'm tired of being in pain. So I went and had more injections, 8 in total, in my jaw joint and muscles that lead up from the jaw area. Ahhh...sweet...RELIEF!!!

Amazing how just fixing that will help with the mood swings.

I even tolerated sitting in the waiting room for FOUR HOURS because I really needed the pain relief. Needless to say I won't be going back to that Doctor after having to wait that long, but I think I found another Dr that has an office near where I work and near home too.

I have been focusing on getting my photography business started. I am still trying to narrow down the name I want to use though. I have about 4 that I like. I was thinking of posting them here so I could get some feedback....or suggestions. Oh and I just had to share my favorite picture of the weekend. ~sigh~ I just love it. Of course, it helps to have a great model....oh and R.ad.ney is pretty photogenic too. He's such a sweetheart.

Speaking of things I love.....

I found something to help me cope with all the losses and crap that have been sucking me down into a deep dark black hole of dispair.

You sure you want to see this?

Awwww.....

Introducing Nell my new "therapy" dog. Such a sweet and prissy little thing. LOL Of course, I wasn't thinking she was so sweet at 4:15 this morning when she woke me up and wouldn't stop crying. That's ok I loved every sleepless minute of it.

You have got to be freakin kidding...

The 16 year old stepson started a new gym class this semester. He was all excited because they will be doing a bunch of different stuff. He's not exactly an athletic kid even though he's over 6 foot and would be a great at basket ball.

So day before yesterday they did weightlifting. YESTERDAY morning he refused to get out of bed to go to school because he was SORE. WTF. Are you freaking kidding me? And of course his Dad caves and lets him stay home.

I was so pissed I could have spit nails and every time I thought about it it just made me more mad. I was still pissed when I got home last night. I was a bit of a smart ass when the SS finally came out of his room to go run an errand with his dad. I asked if he needed help walking cause you know that is really difficult to do. Dumbass.

Good thing I had a photography class to go to so I didn't have to deal with either one of them because there would have been a huge fight.