Gypsy And The Tramp

2011-09-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

I have been so mentally exhausted for the last couple of months while dealing with psyco boss that I couldn't even bring myself to post anything on here. I am NOT at the dungeon of doom any longer. Praise God! I think he truly helped me get away from that environment. I am slowly starting to get back to being myself although I still can't hold a thought in my head for very long. Of course that could have something to do with the landing almost on my head when I fell off a ladder that same week. Nothing broken but I landed on my shoulders/base of my neck and knocked the wind out of myself. I am still sore but I have the best chiro so I am almost back to normal. I am working on trying to get a used IMac since I can't afford a new one at the moment. Hopefully the contact I have will have something that can do the job for about a year or so while I get things going with the business. I should have the website up and running before too much longer. Once that is finished I will share it with you! Funny story for y'all. I helped with a bridal shoot on Monday down in the FW stockyards. While the bride was being set up infront of this old painted wall....a bird pooped on her VEIL! Everyone gasped! Especially the bride!!! Then we were doubled over laughing until we were crying! Thank goodness for brides with a sense of humor!

Seriously reaching my limit....

2011-07-11T12:44:00.001-07:00

There is an end in sight to the nightmare job from hell. A certain point my husband and I both agreed on but now that I know what that is, I can hardly stand the wait! I've worked for some crazy people before but the delusions of some of these people...wow! That is all I can say. Just. WOW! And when the entire group talked to HR about it he basically told us too bad. Not that we really expected him to be helpful. It just confirmed that there is only one way to change it and that is to get the heck out as fast as possible and never look back.

We haven't heard a peep from the stepson while he is at camp. We sent letters from us and from the dog. (She wasn't so crazy about the ink pad I was using on her to make paw prints but I made up for it with letting her play in the sprinkler afterwards so I think I'm forgiven.) We haven't received a letter in return though.
They post pictures on facebook and their website so the parents see how things are going. Looks like they are having fun but the only 2 pics I've seen of our little camper he looks pissed off. Or is that his badass Marine face? I can't tell. They are basically the same look.

Funny story....

2011-06-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

We shot a wedding a couple of weeks ago and just after the formal pics are done they go right into the newlywed's first dance. After that the couple always goes and takes a breather while people go through the buffet.
So the bride takes the opportunity to go to the bathroom. BUT instead of having someone help her with the dress she took it off. When they went to zip her back in they broke the zipper.
Wait....they didn't just break they mauled the zipper! A normal broken zipper you can get to work again if you know what you are doing. With this zipper, there were teeth missing. No fixing that! So there were about 5 of us trying to sew the poor girl back in her dress. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen!

Thank goodness she had a great sense of humor about it all!

Pincushion....and decisions....

2011-06-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

about a month ago I started getting weekly acupunture treatments.

I keep hearing from women in the support group that it helped them so I figured it would be worth a try. We can't afford to go the donor egg route so at least I feel like I am trying SOMETHING. I know in some ways it's helping but I've gone from 26 day cycles to 23 and now 21. WTF?!?

Work is stressful so I am sure that isn't helping but I haven't had stress affect my like that since I was a teenager.

Biggest decision of the week? I am quitting my job in a couple of weeks....

Camp....

2011-06-16T14:41:00.001-07:00

The Stepson wants to go to a military camp this summer.

The same one that sits in his room all day playing games, thinks walking in a circle around the kitchen-living room-hall is the same as working out. Has to be reminded to bath...and brush his teeth....and change his clothes.

He told Dave that he wanted to go but only if THEY WEREN'T TOO SOFT ON HIM!

I REALLY REALLY HOPE HE GETS IN! LOL! Oh and did I mention it's down on the border near Mexico? It is going to be HOT! I have a feeling he'll flake out and change his mind at the last minute but boy would it be a good learning experience for him!

Going to my happy place.....

2011-05-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

Here are 2 pictures from the portrait session I shot on Sunday.

UN-believable....

2011-05-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

HR chick summoned me to her office yesterday afternoon.

Apparently Belcher ran straight to her office after I spoke with her the second time. She did her best to make me out to be the bad guy. Of Course. That is what she has done for the last 3 years. Every chance she gets.

Shocking part is that HR APOLOGIZED TO ME on behalf of the company. And told me all about her conversation with Belcher and how she set her straight on WHY what she did was WRONG.

I am still the most hated person in the building but at least I can breath. And get some work done.

Craptabulous....

2011-05-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had a total panic attack meltdown yesterday. It was LOADS of fun.

You know that sensation where you feel like you have to get out of a room NOW? I have been fighting that for a few weeks.

For the last couple of weeks the preggo/baby talk was getting a little overwhelming but then this week they were supposed to find out the sex.

Cue the pink and blue papers being passed to every single department in the building for everyone to guess what it was going to be. Then on top of that Belcher making 3-6 stops at almost every desk in my department (literally) DAILY so she could share every little ache, pain and twinge. The whole time I tried to either plastered a smile on my face and acted like I gave a shit, head down busting out my phone calls so I don’t have to hear the chatter or, if I was able, left the room.

So yesterday she was going to wear the “winning” color. Great….she wore blue….blah blah blah. Bully for her. I was able to block it out most of the morning.

About mid morning she made her first of many stops in our department…with u/s pictures. Ok, I’m thinking she’ll just be here for a little while…I think I can deal with this. Nope….after 5 solid minutes I had to leave the room. I tried to tune it out, I tried making more phone calls so I couldn’t hear them…they just talked louder….I had to get out of there. I couldn’t breath. I HAD to get out of there. So I went and hung out in the Ladies lounge. Chilled on the couch for a little while, practiced my breathing. Calmed myself down. Somewhat.

By the time I went to lunch I was barely hanging on because by this point the entire department had baby fever. I went in the ladies lounge at lunch and kicked back on the couch for a little while to clear my head, put a box full of band aids on my bruised and battered heart and tried to put it out of my mind. Guess who walks in.

Yup. Belcher

By this time I had decided enough was enough. So as she was blathering on about it being a boy I told her. Look, I am very happy for you. But I don’t want you to be offended if I don’t want to hear about it all. I’ve been through 5 miscarriages in the last couple of years and it’s just very difficult for me to be around right now. She said Oh….I totally understand. Wow 5.

At this point I’m thinking…whew…that went well. But I bet it’s going to come back to bite me in the ass.

So I went back to my desk, thinking maybe I can make it through the rest of the day without anymore tears. Man was I wrong.

Less than an HOUR later. Guess who showed up. Not only did she come “in the department” but she was at the cubicle next to mine. WTF!!! Ok so now I KNOW that this stupid bitch is doing it on purpose. I tried all the usual distracting stuff…nothing worked. Turned the music up LOUD….they just talked louder and more people joined in on the conversation. PEOPLE THAT I HAVE TOLD “look, this is what I’ve been through. I am not up to hearing this stuff”. Are people that fucking clueless? Whatever. So, I left the room….for a long time…hung out in my safe place (ladies lounge) and tried to regroup.

When I left the lounge, Belcher was walking by. So I stopped her and said “look. I thought you understood. You need to warn me or give me a heads up that you are going to be coming back there so that If I need to leave I have that option.” She feigned a confused look. And said Oh, OK. I just wanted to punch her lights out. But I didn’t.

By the time I got back to my desk (again the entire room, including the men were high on baby fever) I couldn’t breath, I was shaking and I couldn’t fight the urge to run any longer. I grabbed my stuff, hit the button to turn off the computer and told crazy crack ho boss I was leaving. Apparently I freaked her out because she wouldn’t let me leave and found me a quiet room to sit and calm down in. We chatted for a while she started crying and said she felt really bad that she hadn’t stepped in and told Keri to go back to her own department. I told her it’s been like being stuck in a never ending baby shower from hell complete with games from the minute I walk in the door until I leave every day.

Wow…I made the crack ho cry. She has feelings after all. Crazy…

After I calmed down was able to breath instead of hyperventilating and stopped shaking as bad she let me take off.

I don’t’ know what was said after I left but it is deathly quiet in here today. So now I’ll be the most hated person in the building. Perfect craptabulous way to end a crappy week.

I did it!

2011-03-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

I am offically a small business owner.

I was home yesterday with a jacked up neck. I went to the chiro at 7 and he worked on me and put me on a traction table. I could barely move even after he worked on me so he told me (half jokingly) to go home, take 2 or 3 painkillers, muscle relaxers or whatever I might have and crawl in bed with an ice pack until later that afternoon when he wanted me to come back so he could work on me some more.

I made it to about 1 before I started going stir crazy so I got online and figured out (in a painkiller induced haze) how to get my photography business registered and the tax id stuff done.

Tonight I will register the domain name and I have a friend that has offered to creat a website for me once I get that done.

Baby steps.....and a sweet picture of my niece I took last weekend.

FOUND!

2011-03-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

We got her back last night…whew!

She managed to get out of the fence (My Husband has it blockaded now until he
gets it replaced. It looked fine but somehow she figured out how to squeeze
through a loose board) and a lady that was taking down a pool across the street
at the tweakers house found her and took her home.

That lady called me yesterday morning but when I tried to meet with her right away she said she couldn't but would bring the puppy home that evening.

THEN I got a phone call from another lady who was rambling and saying she had my dog and that she had to break into this other ladies house to rescue her and that it wasn't about the reward BUT she had to spend $75 to get a new key for her truck plus gas to get the dog back to us. It was FREAKY!

I was really stressing over this crazy lady's call. She was in our neighborhood
so I called our Son and told him what was going on and to call our neighbor to
go out with him to get the dog since I didn't know what we were dealing with. Crazy lady sounded higher than a kite....

Our 16 year old 6 ft+ son was smart and didn't go out just in sweats he was in
full combat gear. LOL That was the one time I TOTALLY DIDN'T MIND his crazy
military look. He walked over to the crazy lady's side but the dog was on the
other side so he went over there. Got the dog FIRST and then confirmed it was our dog and gave them $20.
The signs said Reward, they just didn't say how much and frankly I don't have a
lot to give away this week. The whole thing sounded shady so I wasn't really interested in supporting someone drug habit.

A few minutes later I got the call letting me know he had the dog back home
again. Huge sigh of relief!

THEN I had another call which I let go to VM since I was on another call at
work. Crazy lady called back sobbing and boo hooing telling me how I ripped her
off, but it wasn't about the reward money, but I ripped her off and only gave
her $20 when it cost her over $125 to rescue my dog and take care of her and get
her back to us. At this point I am freaking out. I call our Son and tell him
to stay in the house with the doors locked because I don't know what they would
do if they were really that upset we only gave them $20.

Then crazy lady calls back and leaves another message telling me how she had to go and break into the first lady's garage and rescue the puppy because the other lady was only going to use her for the reward money and blah blah blah…. I called My Husband, then called my son, I almost called the police at this point. It was crazy. I was at work and couldn't do anything.

So fast forward to last night…

Our son and I took the puppy to the vet for her shots she was supposed to get on
Monday; I also had them put a chip in her just in case she ever goes missing
again. (Our Son thought it was like lojack and he could see where Nell was at
all times, which isn't a bad idea)

While we are at the vet clinic Dave goes over to the tweakers house to see if he can figure out what was really going on. I had played the messages for him when he got home and he just wanted to find out what the heck was going on. Fortunately it was just crazy crack head lady making it into a big ol' ordeal because she and the rest
of the crack heads have been evicted and have to be out of the house by Friday
and she thought she would get a little moving money out of us. The first lady
was fairly normal, just an old biker chick that was trying to do a good deed.
Crack head was still trying to get more money out of Dave so he offered her a
couple of steaks instead and she was happy about that.

Hopefully that will be the last we hear from those crazy a$$ people! And I
think our son has a much better understanding of what he needs to be doing to
watch the puppy.

Lost..

2011-03-14T18:04:00.000-07:00

Nell the puppy is lost. My heart is broken.
The stepson was watching her. She was outside sleeping at 9 am then when he went to check on her around 10:30 she was gone.
We've put signs up, looked everywhere at least 3 times. Nothing
Dave is broken up, the ss is angry and I don't know how many more losses I have in me.
Wanna know what the real kicker is? She was 9 weeks. Can't even keep a dog past 9 weeks.

Having trouble deciding....

2011-03-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

I have 2 names for my photography business that I am torn between. So I am asking for a vote to help me decide. I checked and both names are available so if anyone steals my idea I'll come and kick your hiney! LOL

Name #1

Cu.rly Wil.low Pho.togr.aphy

Name #2

Ba.rbed Wi.re and Bego.ni.as Phot.ograhy

Cast your vote......NOW!!! Cause I'm registering the name next week.

You are kidding? Right?

2011-03-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

There is a really obnoxious person that I work with that made my life hell when I was in that department (a whole 20 feet away from where I am now) I couldn't talk to a customer on the phone without them having to hear her singing off key, burping, belching and yes... farting.

Guess who is pregnant? BARELY PREGNANT?

Also.....

Guess who sent out an email to everyone in the company yesterday asking for address so they could send BABY SHOWER INVITATIONS out in AUGUST. WTF?!?!? Afraid you aren't going to get enough PRESENTS you greedy little pig?

I am behaving very well. I didn't say anything about the tacky factor of it all. I just deleted the email....but not before sending it to my best friend so we could roll our eyes in unison.

I was going to wait and just quit when I got my photography business up and running but I am thinking for sanity's sake I need to find another job even if it's just part time so I can regroup and get back to the person I know deep down I still am. Being in this toxic (literally and figuratively) building just kills my spirit a little more everyday. I barely recognize myself anymore.

But again....I am keeping all that to myself and playing nicely with others until I can escape.

Reading....

2011-02-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you can laugh at me now.

I got a reading from an online psychic recently.

Hmmm......does that make me a loony tune?

Carla, huggggggggggggggsss it feels like you guys keep hitting your heads against the wall over and over and over again, it is like you are trying to fight your own destiny and lose every single time and then go back to the same destructive behavior which is creating a nightmare for you in your relationship and marriage..........childbirth and children are supposed to be a blessing not a curse, a joyous time...not stressful and upsetting....sensing you should go with the flow...events and situations are guideposts for you...signs to read and follow to get back on the path you are supposed to be walking....maybe foster parenting is what is called for now....to take in abused children with no home or love and shower them with all your pent up love and giving.....to release the love and affection you want so badly to give.....and maybe in the process of that...a miracle will happen...God will bless you for your efforts and provide you with children...maybe not naturally...but does it really matter?? parenting is more than a biological even...some of the worst parents in the world are biological parents and nothing else...it takes more than that...try the donor eggs....you must....ask God for a miracle and a blessing...pray over it...then i want you to relax and let go...put all your stress and worry in God's Hands...what will be will be...give it a shot..with that attitude...if it is meant to be..it will happen..if not..you tried and again....feeling so very strongly that adoption of a very abused young girl is your path...there is a soul out there that needs you so very badly...and the fit will be magical and what you guys were destined to do ..all along.......stop the negative thinking and start praying....only positive thoughts..from this point on...nothing negative..with the understanding that things are in God;s Hands....Children are little miracles and gifts from God that are to be cherished..irregardless if they are own biologically or not....this is what i am sensing for you........Reiki Blessings of fertility and peace and love and wisdom and courage and faith on the way to you both, may God Bless you and give you the wisdom to follow His Lead and to have the faith of a child.........amen and amen...huggggggggggggggggggggggggss

I can't bring myself to go back there....

2011-02-21T07:36:00.001-08:00

Last week I went in for another blood. It had dropped to 8. Not pregnant is anything below 5. The nurse told me to schedule another blood test but I just can't do it. Enough! 3 measly points is not going to matter. I usually don't have a problem with the extra tests and such that I have to do. NORMALLY. But this just feels excessive.
But seriously? I can't see the value in yet another $40 test to tell me that my HCG has dropped from 8 to below 5. It's not like I am an IVF patient. And the desperation that made me think we would go straight into a DE cycle has calmed down as the hormones have dropped. Right this minute I do not want to think about getting pregnant.
I have started taking my vitamins and regular doses of meds again. I always stop taking everything right after a m/c and it takes about a month before I feel up for starting that routine back up. I'm not taking the "trying to get pregnant" doses. Just the regular "gotta maintain this shit" dose.
I think I'll put that $40 towards a mani/pedi.

Stepping back and refocusing...

2011-02-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of being cranky. I'm tired of this funk that won't go away. Mostly, I'm tired of being in pain. So I went and had more injections, 8 in total, in my jaw joint and muscles that lead up from the jaw area. Ahhh...sweet...RELIEF!!!

Amazing how just fixing that will help with the mood swings.

I even tolerated sitting in the waiting room for FOUR HOURS because I really needed the pain relief. Needless to say I won't be going back to that Doctor after having to wait that long, but I think I found another Dr that has an office near where I work and near home too.

I have been focusing on getting my photography business started. I am still trying to narrow down the name I want to use though. I have about 4 that I like. I was thinking of posting them here so I could get some feedback....or suggestions. Oh and I just had to share my favorite picture of the weekend. ~sigh~ I just love it. Of course, it helps to have a great model....oh and R.ad.ney is pretty photogenic too. He's such a sweetheart.

Speaking of things I love.....

I found something to help me cope with all the losses and crap that have been sucking me down into a deep dark black hole of dispair.

You sure you want to see this?

Awwww.....

Introducing Nell my new "therapy" dog. Such a sweet and prissy little thing. LOL Of course, I wasn't thinking she was so sweet at 4:15 this morning when she woke me up and wouldn't stop crying. That's ok I loved every sleepless minute of it.

You have got to be freakin kidding...

2011-01-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

The 16 year old stepson started a new gym class this semester. He was all excited because they will be doing a bunch of different stuff. He's not exactly an athletic kid even though he's over 6 foot and would be a great at basket ball.

So day before yesterday they did weightlifting. YESTERDAY morning he refused to get out of bed to go to school because he was SORE. WTF. Are you freaking kidding me? And of course his Dad caves and lets him stay home.

I was so pissed I could have spit nails and every time I thought about it it just made me more mad. I was still pissed when I got home last night. I was a bit of a smart ass when the SS finally came out of his room to go run an errand with his dad. I asked if he needed help walking cause you know that is really difficult to do. Dumbass.

Good thing I had a photography class to go to so I didn't have to deal with either one of them because there would have been a huge fight.

109 and falling...

2011-01-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I just KNEW that last weekend was the last round of "crud".

Nope.

The u/s on Monday showed that there are a few stragglers that just don't want to give up yet. (It looked like a jigsaw puzzle in there.) They had switched it over to show blood flow which was pretty cool to see but really annoying to see that it's not done yet.

Blood test came back at 109 so we are heading in the right direction.

I want to try another round (or two) on our own before going with DE (if we ever do) but I want to try using steroids along with the rest of the meds. Doc calls it hocus pocus but even though research says it really doesn't help if I WANT to try it he is good with it. He said he used a lot of h/p when he and his wife were trying to get pregnant and now they have a 4 and 6 year old.

Dr. K also gave me a Rx for a high powered antibiotic since it's taking a while to get rid of everything. I don't have an infection but it's just to keep me from getting one. I almost had a heart attack when I got it filled. I really thought they were kidding when they said how much it was. I guess I've been spoiled with cheap(ish) generic drugs until now. LOL! The girl at Target gave me a $10 gift card since it was a new Rx instead of giving me the coupon to use the next time I had a new Rx.

I go back Monday for another look.

Oh and I almost forgot. Dr. K said I looked and sounded like I was getting my "spark" back. Awww...thanks. I needed that.

Dave has been busy practicing with a new band and helping a friend record a new album so I think that has helped keep him distracted. So far the getting blotto was just a few isolated instances. Thank goodness! I get a little freaked out if I think he's drinking too much even though to others it probably isn't.

We were sitting in the living room after he got home from practice on Sunday and he was talking about how blessed he feels, despite all the crap that we've dealt with, and how nice it was to feel appreciated by me and all these other folks. I am glad he feels that way.

SOME good news....

2011-01-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

The RE wanted to do a d&e last Friday but when I went in on Thursday the u/s looked like there was just a little tissue left. They didn't see the sac so he said that either I passed it already or it's collapsed and I should pass it soon. The good news was I didn't have to do surgery.
I've been really pissy with Dave lately. Over stupid stuff. Well not so stupid. He comes home after a hard day of work and has a beer...or two. I don't have a problem with that. BUT when he comes home and has a couple of shots....several beers and then most of a bottle of wine it pisses me off. ESPECIALLY when he keeps me awake all night with his snoring. I'm sure that is his way of dealing with the crapfest but I am NOT going to deal with a drunk every night. It's time for him to start reining it in.
Yeah I know. I'm getting bitchy. I started back on the happy pills this week.

Almost done...

2011-01-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

Friday and Saturday night I woke up with lots of cramping, bleeding etc. It tapered off so I thought it was done. Tuesday it started up again with the cramping but not much more. Wednesday was more of the same so we did an u/s this morning. It looks like the sac passed or has collapsed and will pass very soon and it only looked like a little more tissue was left to get rid of. Thank goodness I will be able to avoid surgery. They had me scheduled to do another D&E on Friday but we were able to cancel that.
I feel like this has lasted 6 months.

I told the Dr that Dave and I wanted to come in and really talk about the nitty gritty of doing a donor egg. He's excited that we are more open to the idea of going that route. Obviously I can get pregnant and stay pregnant I just am not getting good quality eggs of my own to make a viable baby. ~sigh~ He said to take a little time to get over this one and in a few weeks make an appointment. With my age I can't wait too long though.

I'm loading up on amino acids, vit C, B, E, Zinc and CoQ10 in the meantime. Maybe just maybe I can come up with one good egg of my own in a couple of months and we won't need to look at the DE route.

Still in limbo...

2011-01-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Well...waiting 48 hrs and taking another dose did absolutely nothing. On the bright side it I had zero side effects and I was able to sleep pretty well that night as well. I have another call into the Dr's office to see if we could do 2 doses closer together. I REALLY don't want to do surgery. I just don't (as I stamp my foot).
I sometimes wonder if letting my body go through all this will help the next pregnancy work out better. See...I told you I was nuts...stupid RPL makes me have all kinds of weird thoughts and superstitions these days.

I also just remembered that it is International Blog Delurking Week this week. Come out of the shadows and just say hi. Come on....I double dog dare you.

Halfway there....and whole lotta TMI you might want to skip.

2011-01-05T06:09:00.000-08:00

I called the Dr's office back on Monday because I am just DONE with waiting. They called in the Rx for cy.to.te.c some painkillers and a strong dose of ibuprofen which I've never had before but LOVED.
I thought about waiting until the weekend but 1) I was so ready to get it all over with, 2)weekends are so busy for us, 3)I didn't want to deal with this when the stepson was around because he doesn't know, and 4) I was afraid that I would chicken out if I waited so I went ahead and used it.
I inserted them at 7:30 nothing happened at all. I went to bed just before 10 and woke up with strong cramps about 11:30. Not too bad, just annoying enough to keep me from really falling asleep again.
After about an hour I got up and decided to hang out in the living room so I didn't wake Dave up. The cramping got a little stronger. A few times I had to breath through it but that didn't last long. The spotting had picked up by this time but still not much was happening.
About 4 am I starting getting stronger more contraction like pains. Walking around the living room or swaying helped. So did the heating pad although I would recommend having 2 since I needed one for my back too at this point. I took another dose of the painkillers. I passing some clots by this time but still not much.
5 am I was having a hard time getting into a comfortable position. I spent a lot of time just sitting in the bathroom because it was more comfortable. I would say it was about a 7 1/2 on the pain scale by this point. It would have been better if I had taken the meds like I was supposed to.
I had moved back to the couch since the cramping had lightened up a bit. I took another dose of the Ibuprofen since the painkiller didn't seem to be helping much. It was kinda funny I couldn't keep track of time very well and I sat there for a long time trying to figure out if it had been long enough to take another dose yet. I couldn't count at all. It was a really weird feeling. I seriously could not count how many hours it had been since midnight. It was like my brain had been turned off.
About 5 am I felt a big gush. Great fun. Thankfully I got to the bathroom before it got too bad. I cleaned myself up then went and curled up on the couch again. The stronger cramps kicked in again and it was really uncomfortable. I was breathing through them and had to get into a child's pose just to get some relief from them. About 6 am I felt a second big gush. This time I didn't even make it to the bathroom. Everything I had on including my robe was soaked. I stripped off everything grabbed a towel to catch the flood and was trying to figure out how the heck I was going to get that bathroom clean before the teenager woke up (it's the one he uses). I heard the alarm going off in our bedroom so I moved from the hall bathroom to ours and as I was climbing in the shower I asked Dave to please go make sure I hadn't missed anything....I'm sure that is how every man wants to be woke up. Uh honey would you go see if I bled all over the living room and hall carpet?
He was great about it though. Didn't grumble once. He cleaned everything up, tossed my clothes and the towels in the washer while I jumped in the shower to clean up.
OK so that wins him big points back that he lost over the whole birthday screw up. He might not be very good at birthdays but he is great at all the really important stuff.
I crawled in bed and slept about 30 minutes and about 7 I woke up just as I had another big gush hit. I kept thinking where the heck is all this coming from because each time it's completely flooding the pad and then some.
Cramping and bleeding seemed to stop about that time. I slept most of the day since I had been awake all night.
That afternoon it felt like there was something else that needed to come out. It felt like when you don't quite have a tampon in the right spot. Hey, I warned you it was TMI. So I checked. Sure enough I felt something stuck so I called the Dr's office. He said to wait and if it hadn't passed to take another dose of the meds in 48 hrs. So tonight on my way home I'll pick up another dose and see if that does the trick. For me it helped doing this at night so I could be home but not have to deal with explaining to the stepson what was happening. Dave was there if I needed him instead of at work so that eased my mind as well.
I have to say that it's not as horrible as I thought it might be to use this med. I really didn't want to do another d&e since I had so many complications with the last time. I think I'm more scared of complications from surgery again than I am of the extra (but manageable) pain and mess. Even though the 1st dose didn't take care of everything and I have to take a second dose I think if I have another missed m/c I would do this again if I had to. Let's see if my opinion changes after tonight.

One month later...

2010-12-30T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's been one month since we confirmed there wasn't a heartbeat. I am still waiting...still spotting...still hoping that it will skip this weekend since Dave has a gig and we will be taking the teardrop so we can stay the night and not drive NYE. Oh Lord PLEASE don't let anything happen while we are at the party. That would be a nightmare because then everyone would know. These are a bunch of over 50 and 60 folks that had their kids at 20 something and don't understand why in the world someone would want to have a baby at my age. (yeah, one has pretty much told me that so I just don't want to hear the judgemental comments and be the hot topic of conversation for another group. Ah hell...I probably am already. sigh)

I got a call from my regular ob's nurse today. She had gotten the paperwork from the RE's office and was calling to tell me how sorry she was. She really really really wants to see us go for a donor egg. She was telling me how they can match us and no one would ever know that we used a donor egg because it would look like me. I don't know. I think I am getting closer to wanting to hear more about it. I have tried to bring it up to Dave and he just says it wouldn't be part of me. I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to go there....another part says IF this is the only way I can have a baby then maybe that is what I will need to do.

It's hard not to get ahead of myself. I am still waiting for this miscarriage to happen. After the phone call with the nurse I called the RE's office to see if I can take something to speed up the process. After the problems I had with the last d&e I really don't want to do another if I don't have to. They finally called back this afternoon and I will either hear from the Doctor tonight or the office will call me tomorrow. I'm just ready for this to be over. Maybe when I talk to the office tomorrow I will make an appointment for Dave and I to go and talk to them about using one of the donor cycles later in the month.

Yes....I did.

2010-12-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

I wrapped the rest of their Christmas gifts in the worst dollar store birthday paper I could find.

Not too bad...

2010-12-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

The minute I got home my SS came out of his room (amazing feat in itself) and told me Happy Birthday. That was sweet. Totally unexpected too.

Dave got home a little after I did so we loaded "the beef" in the freezer. It JUST fit. OK so it does make me happy to have all that beef and a big box of bones I can use for stock. But it's still not a birthday present.

Right after that Dave said he had to "run to the store to get beer" and that he "would be right back" so I was to get ready to go out for dinner.

Almost an hour later he shows up. Uh huh....can we say desperate scramble for a birthday gift? Yeah...me too.

Dinner was really good. We went to a new sushi place that we haven't been to before. Very nice staff. We will definitely go back. I got a gift card to help buy a new coat (anyone want to guess what the receipt time stamp said?) He still kept talking about the damn beef so I told him again that food for the whole family is not a birthday gift. He tried to jokingly guilt me a little with how much it cost. That was a little irritating but I didn't let it ruin the night.

When we got home the SS came out and gave me a gift....wrapped in Christmas paper. I told him he did a nice job of wrapping it (didn't say a word about the paper) and he said his dad did that. Uh huh. So he really didn't have anything for me. Didn't even think to get something for me that was actually FROM my SS and he's giving me one of my Christmas presents for my birthday. Seriously? We have HAD this talk many times. He knows how weird I get about that. ~sigh~

Still. It was something I wanted. A fishing pole...A PINK fishing pole and the box from the SS was full of lures and hooks. So now I can go catch me some fish for the freezer. Betcha I get a fishing license in my stocking for Christmas.

I'm not sure he actually got me a whole cake (I didn't look in the fridge) but he at least got a few slices of the Sacher Torte from L.a Ma.deli.ne. Made me cry.....I got a birthday cake (slice) from him. No candle but I got to have some cake...that he actually thought about and made the effort to buy just for me.......made me cry again.

Damn hormones.

TOTAL hormonal meltdown last night....

2010-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

My poor husband.

He is a great husband and provider but he doesn't really get the point of buying birthday cakes and I sometimes feel like I have to prod him a bit to remember my birthday. Or that my birthday gift is NOT something you can tack onto one of my Christmas gifts. As in here ya go honey. This can be your Christmas AND birthday present even though it's wrapped in Christmas paper. Or if I'm going to buy something he'll want to just give me money for it. Which is nice. VERY NICE. But it's the lazy way out of having to think about what to buy me. I make an effort for his birthday and his son's I don't think it's asking too much that they make some effort to remember mine.

Several months ago we went in with a couple of families on getting a beef processed. I'm a farm girl and this is exciting stuff. I love being able to just go to the freezer and pull out steaks, burgers etc.

After the wreck we talked about just skipping Christmas for each other since we were going to have the expense of the freezer and beef at the same time. Just get stuff for the SS.

I've felt really bad about everything lately,the wreck, getting another car, the "impending doom", etc. Fast forward to earlier this month the beef was going to be processed right at Christmas time so we would have that expense PLUS we would have to buy a freezer to store it all in.
OK so...we are up to
beef (grass fed, grass finished)
freezer to keep beef in
wrecked car
Dr's bills
womb of doom
Christmas for the stepson
oh and I almost forgot buying a new used car and the bill from the mechanic to fix a few minor things like the timing belt and brakes that really needed to be done before I drove it much.

I am trying to be a real grown up and not make a fuss about my birthday. It's not like I really need much and I try really hard not to be high maintenance but he kept talking about giving me that damn beef for my birthday.

It really didn't help that I was having a crappy hormonal day yesterday as well.

The nightmare boss was picking on me. Guess it was my turn, who knows she is nuts.

Then I made the mistake of going to Target after work....it was filled with too many people not shopping but standing in the middle of the isle BLOCKING the entire isle while they just stood there chatting. Seriously people? grrr.... Preggos and new babies seemed to be around every corner as well. All the while I was starting to unravel just a little bit more.

By the time I got home I was in a crap mood.

I thought about just going and taking a long hot shower but that would have required effort I just didn't have. The tears kept trying to pop up but I was able to fight them back. So I grabbed a beer and joined Dave on our love seat. He kept asking if I was OK, what was wrong blah blah blah. I told him I was as good as could be expected. He mentioned the beef was coming in tomorrow (my birthday) I LOST IT. I just started sobbing. All I could get out is that it had been a really bad month and I KNOW I said it would be OK but getting that for my birthday really wasn't OK.

He started laughing saying he had been kidding but it just made me cry harder. Then he kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday which only made things worse because I'm thinking it's the night before my birthday and he has nothing.

I'm feeling a little better today but damn I hope he at least made the effort to buy me a cake.

This is getting frustrating....again...

2010-12-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

So if you are male or someone I know IRL or both you will probably want to skip this post....don't say I didn't warn you.

So yesterday I got up from my desk at work and felt a big gush. Thank goodness I was wearing at least a liner and also grateful for having made the decision to wear black that morning!!!! I ended up having to go home change clothes and since I wasn't cramping or really having anymore bleeding I decided to just go back to work. The nighmare boss has actually been pretty decent to deal with lately...knock...on....wood!
Nothing has happened since. Nada....Zilch....sigh....
This is just so weird. I know that can't be the end of it but the waiting is really starting to get to me. Betcha anything I will be doubled over with cramps either tomorrow...yeah, that will be a great birthday present or on Christmas...an even better day to screw up. ~sigh~ Dave keeps asking how to know if he needs to take me to the emergency room. Poor guy. I forget sometimes that this is just as hard on him even though he doesn't act like it.
Anyone out there that has waited it out for a natural miscarriage and would like to share some helpful advice? I am all ears.

Just got a call from the Dr's office. He ran a blood test to see if the numbers were falling yet. They are still at 15,942 so it will probably be a while. Although when I told her about the bleeding yesterday she said that could be a good sign.

God...please let it skip my birthday...Christmas...and New Year's Eve....just make it some random day that I can block from my memory.

Still tired....

2010-12-20T06:32:00.000-08:00

I helped photograph 2 weddings on Saturday. My feet are still killing me but it was great training. I need to go and shoot a bunch of weddings with them all in a row so I can fine tune my camera settings for each part of the wedding.

Then Sunday I met up with my sister and niece (they drove down from OK) and we braved the traffic and crowds so I could pick up a chair and ottoman for the stepson's Christmas gift at Ikea. I was surprised that the crowds weren't THAT bad. Ooh and we found the PERFECT little furniture store that had a self serve MARGARITA MACHINE. After shopping with my sister for a few hours I needed a couple of those! LOL And since I hadn't run myself completely ragged by that point we then drove to the the other side of DFW to the Stockyards in Fort Worth to watch my husband play at the Wh.ite El.epha.nt with a bunch of songwriters.
I need another weekend just to recover but at least I stayed so busy I didn't have time to focus on anything else.
Yay for staying busy!

A nice distraction...maybe...

2010-12-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

our wedding photographer friends might need me to help with a few weddings this weekend. Fingers crossed....the practice is much appreciated even if I don't get paid for it.

Stupid Twit...

2010-12-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

I confronted the lady that asked me if I was pregnant (in front of other people no less) when I got back from lunch. I was still steamed over it.
I asked her who she heard it from but of course she wouldn't say. Oh NOW she wants to be discreet. Uh huh. But she did say she overheard it in the lunchroom. So I am pretty sure I know whose ass is going to get kicked.
I was so upset I was visibly shaking. The stupid twit actually said "I just wanted to be excited with you". Yeah right. You just wanted to confirm the rumors so you would have the "scoop" to share with everyone at lunch.
These aren't people that give a damn about me. I have never worked in a company that is so cliquish. Not a one of them has ever made any attempt to have a conversation with me in the 3 years I've worked here, go to lunch with me etc. Which is just fine with me. They are too damn nosey and classless for my tastes anyway.
I told her Ya know there are REASONS WHY I don't tell people what is going on and to have you ask me that in front of people is extremely upsetting to me as we are trying to deal with the loss of our baby. This has been very difficult and upsetting and since you are in HR you should know better. If I wanted you to know I would have told you myself. You don't go asking people if they are pregnant because you don't have a clue what they are dealing with.

Yeah, I think she'll think twice before asking someone if they are pregnant again.

I thought I was playing it so cool....

2010-12-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

At work anyway. I guess I was just fooling myself because THE LEAST discreet person in our company just asked me if I was pregnant and I burst into tears. Yeah...this is going to be a LONG day.

So this is where we stand.....

2010-12-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

After the Dr did the u/s the other day we talked about what our next step should be. He said we had done everything we were supposed to but he felt that all our m/c are because of poor egg quality. He didn't think there was anything we could do to have a successful pregnancy using my own eggs.

He has 2 studies that he is running right now where we could "adopt" one of the frosties that have been donated or we could use donor eggs from his other study. Either way it would be a reduced rate. Basically just paying for the meds but still 4000-6ooo to try it.

I am torn.

If my eggs are total crap then at least if I used donor eggs I would have a better chance of having a baby that is at least Dave's DNA.

On the other hand I have spent my entire life raising other people's kids. All I wanted was to have my OWN bleach blond, skinned knee, snarky, biological child...with the left ear sticking out just like everyone else in my family has. Apparently that WAS too much to ask for.

And what if we spend the money to try and it fails? I would feel like I was robbed.

I found that CoQ10 is supposed to help with egg quality. I think I will try that first to see if it really does help. I don't think I'm ready to give up but I also don't think I'm ready for the next step.

I feel like I am offically grasping for straws now.....

Click on the link below to have a laugh at me and my co-workers. It's definately helped take my mind off the crapfest.

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/CNUgfibVf5Ugxzip

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/4z6pCl78ac70ta4Q

Not much happin...

2010-12-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

Just wallowing in a big steaming pile of self-pity.

One of my co-workers just bought a new car and was talking about selling her old one 2001 Chevy PT Cruiser (Limited Edition) for $3000. So I think we are going to buy it. It will be a stretch since it's Xmas time but. I would rather have it since I know how well it's been taken care of. Then we can save up for a newer car in the future.
I'm just not up for another car payment right now.

My week is just getting better....

2010-12-01T17:29:00.001-08:00

I totalled my car this morning.
I had a green arrow in the turn lane and was hit head on by a car from the opposite direction. That spun my car around and into 2 more cars. I got to take an ambulance ride to the ER on a backboard which was loads of fun but I would rather be safe than sorry. On the bright side they didn't find anything major that was wrong with me. Just a lot of bumps and bruises. You should see the one on my stomach from the seat belt. It's huge and purple.
I was pretty freaked out since I'm on blood thinners but no one seemed too concerned with that. They just couldn't wrap their head around how I could be pregnant but know that there wasn't a heartbeat. I thought that was kinda surprising but I guess they only deal with normal bad stuff not freaky fertility RPL crap.
My husband and SS (who has no clue that we have been trying to get pregnant) went to get everything out of the car. I hope Dave does that by himself because I'm sure the SS will freak out if he finds the baby bib stashed in the console (I would pull it out and channel all my mommy vibes just before scans in hopes that THAT would be the time that worked) and the what to expect when you are expecting book floating around on the floor of the car. Ehhh....maybe the kid could use a good shock.

I'll take the sushi, brie and crackers, a 16 inch hero...

2010-11-30T17:31:00.000-08:00

and the largest fucking shot of tequila you have ever seen. On second thought just fill the fucking water pitcher with it.

One holiday down....

2010-11-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

Whew...I made it through Thanksgiving in one piece and feeling a little more pregnant each day.

I haven't been totally abandoned by the doom and gloom thoughts but their voices are getting quieter with every twinge.
My next appointment is tomorrow afternoon. They will do another u/s to see if they can find a heartbeat. So sometime around 4:45 y'all need to start praying for me.

Feel free to start immediately...

I am feeling more hopeful than I have since last week's appointment. With my luck I'll probably get a swift kick in the a$$ in the form of bad news, but I am still going to have hope.

HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE!

WHY can't I get to do something the easy way for once....

2010-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Should be 6w 4d....u/s measured 6 weeks. No heartbeat so I have to go back next Tuesday to see if there is any change.
Kinda feels like I should prepare myself for loss #5. F@@K!

Seriously?

2010-11-17T14:55:00.001-08:00

I have a co-worker that is being harassed by our supervisor. She was written up this week for
"helping too much". Uh...REALLY?!?!?!? Wow. Can't wrap my head around that one and wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it.

beta update....

2010-11-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

11-5-10 -- 38
11-8-10 -- 158
11-15-10 --2729

Again...just over doubling. Nice work little emby....keep it up!

What I hate most about RPL...another long and winding story

2010-11-14T08:46:00.000-08:00

Is that it robs you from being able to celebrate the good things in life.

We are 5 weeks 2 days pregnant. First beta was 38 second was 158 (last Monday) I remember correctly which was just over doubling every 2 days. Whew.... I am trying to just go about my daily routines and not give it much thought. You buy that right? Yeah...me either.
I am on a daily injection of lo.ven.ox so far so good. It was a little freaky the first few times but I'm getting more comfortable with it and last night I didn't have that awful sting that usually last half an hour or so.

The thing that has me concerned the most these days is that one of my coworkers who sits about 5 feet away from me is having her thyroid killed with radio.active io.din.e. I had to tell her I was pregnant just so she would stay away from me...but she is so freakin stupid she believes her quack of a dr who says it's not a big deal. Uh read the internet chicky...it's a little bigger deal than you think. She was actually planning on coming back to work the same day that she received the treatment. I had to have a little talk with our supervisor and let her know that not only do I have an issue with it based on what I've read but my RE can't believe she is going to come back to work so soon. They want me to be 20 feet away from her for at least a week maybe 2. So we moved me to another desk on the opposite end of the room. Of course everyone was being nosey as to why I was moving but when we stuck to the computer issue story they moved on pretty quickly. I'm sure there are lots of rumors going on right about now.

I go in tomorrow morning for my next beta. Not that I give those test much weight anymore. I learned that lesson already. The blighted ovum had all the right number and then some. ~sigh~
The best news is that I am having more symptoms than I remember experiencing before.

I drove down to H-town so I could go to the Nut.cra.cker Mar.ket with my best friend yesterday. I wanted to get to tell her in person about this latest one. She's alway been supportive of me from a distance so it was fun to get to just share stories in person for a change.

When we got there it was PACKED! It seemed like there were more people there but less booths than last year. Everyone else was running around in sweaters and jackets I had sweat just rolling off me. Yeah, I know...kinda gross but I was about to pass out from getting too hot. I would get lightheaded ever few feet.
Ann decided that we should stop for lunch and let me cool off. I was sitting there chugging some cold water, fanning myself and pulling my hair up off my neck and these 3 ladies sat down at the same table we where at. One of them said...in a really good natured way "if you tell me you are hot I am gonna smack you!" So I blurted Oh it's just because I'm pregnant. Wow....I actually said it out loud and didn't get struck by lightening! At that point I didn't care anymore and stripped my shirt off. Thank goodness I had thought ahead and wore a tank under it! LOL

It's amazing how easy it was to talk about it with 3 total strangers. They all said very nice positive things and I managed to keep from bawling although a few tears snuck out. But it did make it seem more REAL.

I haven't told anyone in my family this time around. My sister kinda pissed me off after the last one. She is the queen of being judgemental, so she probably won't know until I am closer to the 13 week mark...or at least that is the current plan. You know me...I have said that before and caved.
I am glad that I did this roadtrip to Houston. I needed the girl time with Ann.
We realized that next year will mark 40 years since we met in a potato field so we are going to try and find potato charms for our bracelets to exchange in honor of it. 40 years....wow! I wonder if they make ruby potatoes? LOL

I hate this week.

2010-10-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 2nd anniv. of our 1st loss...or at least the day we found out there wasn't a heartbeat. And the end of the week marks the 1st anniv of the only other pregnancy we made it to see the heartbeat. I really hate October.

FREE IS GOOD!

2010-10-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

OK, so we had to buy 2 new tires for it...but STILL!

You can see more pictures here.

Making a little progress...

2010-10-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

We picked up the trailer last Saturday and man is it in BAD SHAPE! I'm not sure what planet this guy is on but when you advertise something as having "NO LEAKS" it probably shouldn't have holes all the way around it and have a ceiling that is falling down from water damage. Just my opinion. But hey we didn't pay much for it and we wanted a "project" so it's all good.

The minute we got the thing parked on the side of the house I wanted to start cleaning it up a bit.

I tried to vacuum the Smurf blue astroturf but as I ran the vacuum cleaner over it more dirt was shooting out the front of the vacuum than was going into it. At that point I asked Dave if I could go ahead and pull some of the bad stuff out. He said SURE...SO I KINDA WENT A LITTLE CRAZY! LOL! I was pulling walls and carpet out and he was trying to keep up putting everything in trash bags. Oh man it was nasty! I need to go buy a GOOD respirator and bring home some safety goggles before I start working on the next round of demolition.

Oh and the best part. The guy had another trailer that was sitting under a tarp that we got to take a look at. It was in MUCH BETTER SHAPE. It's VERY CUTE, only has a small leak that will be easy to repair and he is going to let us have it FOR FREE! We will go and pick it up next weekend.

Idiot....

2010-10-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

My deadbeat ho-dog of a brother just irritates me like no other person I know. And I've met some really annoying people in my time.

He's been married 4 times (we think, it's hard to keep track of the ones he actually marries). His first marriage lasted all of 2 weeks. Nice church wedding and all the fixins. He was screwing around on her and she left. Big shocker.

The next wife was really young. Barely 18. Got married because she was pregnant but she was pretty nice. They had a little girl which I don't get to see very much but she is a HOOT! Of course he was screwing around on that wife too.

Same scenario with the next two although this last one, Quatro, has managed to stick around despite being treated like sh** by him. But then again she is a royal pinched faced wench (and just like my mother which is downright creepy) so they are probably made for each other.

Ok, so back to why I'm feeling the need to rant about that dumbass.

His little girl is nothing more than a pawn, a bargining chip to him. She is the most adorable, fearless, outgoing little girl and he refuses to pay any of her daycare expenses just because he wants the Mother to drive over an hour each way so little J can attend school where HE lives and it's probably the worst school in the state. Over half of their Sr class didn't graduate last year! Yeah, that is where I would want my child to go to school! NOT!

I can't even count the times he has refused to return J to her Mother after his vistation is up JUST SO HE DOESN'T have to pay child support. Yeah, I've heard that crap come straight from him.

REALLY?!?!?!

He pisses me off so much that I regularly have dreams of beating the crap out of him.

So I have made a decision.

Let him be a jackass.

Let him treat his little girl however he wants but I will do what I can to make sure there is money for her daycare expenses.

I will never EVERY understand why parents punish their children for their own poor choices in life.

How could you do that to this sweet little face?

It may not be a lot of money but I feel moved to start doing this. Much more productive than kicking his ass.

A new project....

2010-10-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

We are driving to the middle of nowhere tomorrow morning to pick up our new old trailer. We've been using a teardrop for almost 2 years and love it but there ARE times that it would be nice to wake up in the middle of the night and have your own bathroom to use instead of

1.) having to find your shoes in the dark
2.) make sure you are appropriately dressed
3.) walk 1/4 mile to the bath house just to find that they are out of toilet paper
4.) walk 1/4 mile BACK to the trailer
5.) try to find the toilet paper in the dark while not waking up your spouse (can't do it)
6.) walk 1/4 mile to the bathhouse AGAIN
7.) walking to the trailer and realize it's 3 am and you chances of going back to sleep are slim

Yeah, you think I'm kidding dontcha. Nope. Done it more than once. ~sigh~

This little number is supposed to have a bathroom, a kitchenette and sleeps 5! I guess that is a bit of a step up. Dave and I are both excited about fixing the new addition up. We found it on craigslist and bought it sight unseen so I'm hoping its in almost as good a shape as the guy says.

Next project is a little piece of land near the lake...

The reason I didn't try to have children until now....

2010-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a house where the mother screamed at us every day from the minutes SHE woke up until the minute SHE went to bed.
I spent most of my childhood running away from home to whatever safe haven I could find. Mostly it was riding my rusty little old bike to our nearest neighbor's house where I would pester poor Florence all afternoon until she got the phone call to send me home for supper. That woman was a saint and must have known how horrible it was at home for me.
I ran across a video today that gave me chills it was so much like my childhood....well...except for the obnoxious teenager that was egging his mother on. Most of the time we just tried to avoid that woman period. Listen to it....that is the kind of reaction we got when we didn't load the dishwasher correctly, when the laundry wasn't folded perfectly. Hell, even when I cleaned her house one day that was how she reacted. Every conversation with her until I was in my late 20's ended with her screaming at me and telling me she wished I was "dead and in hell".
For years and years I was terrified every day that if I had children I would treat them the way she treated us and especially me. It's taken me a VERY LONG TIME to know I won't.

One moody bitch...

2010-09-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've been really cranky this week. I think it really hit me hard that last month was a bust. I'm angry and tired and rundown and everywhere I turn someone else announces their pregnancy. And I KNOW, even though I've tried not to, I know I've been taking it out on poor Dave.
Is it FRIDAY YET?

Sucky week....

2010-09-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

The last week has just SUCKED.

My lunch buddy was telling me that her pregnant sister has decided to give up her baby for adoption. She has 4 other kids and doesn’t raise them either. She dumped them on her ex husband when she hooked up with a new guy. That just makes my heart hurt.

Two days in a row at work the main topic of conversation for the MEN in my department was…you guessed it. Yammering’ loudly about trying to get their girlfriends pregnant. I tried to ignore it but ended up with chest pains by the end of the day (probably from holding my breath all afternoon) and a permanent lump in my throat.

Oh and remember the wedding I photographed a few weeks ago… yup. The bride is pregnant too. CRAP! Sucker punch to the gut.

My best friend said she just had to bury herself in work when dealing with all the yammering and crap. She’s a better person than I am. I can’t think clear enough to get anything done. I just zone out.

So now I’m just sitting here waiting on cd1. Test was negative on Saturday, not that I had any symptoms or anything to make me think it would be positive. I may test again today or tomorrow just to torture myself and then maybe by Wednesday I can start obsessing again about my next opportunity.

I’ll try to keep myself busy with some photography. That always puts me in a better mood. I am supposed to help shoot a wedding on Sunday, but I told my neighbors that I would be available to help them out at any other weddings they have going on this weekend as well. The experience would be great for me and the distraction would be very welcome.

Hopefully...maybe...

2010-09-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

This will be my last two week wait. I got the best reading every on the opk...shockingly good reading I should say. Felt like crap that evening too so maybe it cut more than one egg loose. Wouldn't THAT be a hoot! (I would love it Dave would have a heart attack) I'm at 2 dpo and already obsessing about it.

I have so much to keep me busy for the next couple of weeks. I STILL need to edit the pictures from the wedding. I was waiting for our neighbor (the wedding photographer) to come back from his trip so I could run all the pictures through his apple aperture program. But I think I'm tired of waiting and I know the bride would love to have her pictures sooner rather than later. So that is my goal for this weekend while Dave is off playing golf.

I think I found somewhere to take an in depth class on photoshop. The place I'm taking the photography courses does a really FAST class on it but I think that would just be overwhelming to me since I've never worked with it before. I need to give them a call today so I can get enrolled soon. I think there is a class starting this month.

Ooohhh and I found a local college that has a pottery class. I have my own wheel but it has two speeds and I need to have one has a peddle that I can control the speed with. It makes such a difference when I am trimming my pieces up.

I'm hoping they have a class that starts soon so I can make stuff to actually fire and glaze and fire again instead of making it then destroying it. I hate having to do that!

We have a friend that does an open house for her massage business twice a year. I don't think I would be able to get pieces fired for the one this fall but maybe for the next one. Wouldn't it be a hoot to make money doing what I love instead of working for nitpicking, control freakin, backstabbing, people that lie to make the rest of us look bad just so they can cover their ass. Bitter? Me? NAH....

Genetic testing is back

2010-08-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

The only thing I was really concerned about was the risk of translocation. Fortunately both of our tests came back normal.
Friday I went back for a second biopsy to see if we had gotten rid of the strep b. That sucker HURT. I was fine and then all of the sudden I felt this pain that made me have to control my breathing. The first one was a breeze so I was expecting this one to be the same. I guess since they weren't doing the hysteroscope at the same time they can't see how much tissue they are ripping out. DAMN. I felt crampy and tender all night but by the next morning it seemed ok.
On the positive side there is some study that shows that pregnancy rates are quite a bit higher right after having a biopsy like that. Fingers crossed! I'm hoping the break in the heat is helpful for the swimmers too. Plus September is the month that I seem to have the best pregnancies where we actually got heartbeats. This time will be different since I'll be starting blood thinner injections immediately. I'm feeling really HOPEFUL.

You are not going to believe this....

2010-08-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not pregnant. August is too hot and I think it fries the swimmers so I wasn't expecting a positive this month.

The COOLEST THING EVER happened to me last night. Dave told me that our neighbor Barbara wanted to see me when I got home. So, after my much needed chiropractor appointment I walked accross the street to their house.

Let me back up for a minute. In case I haven't talked about them before, Brent and Barb are the wedding photographers that generously let us use their vacation home to get married at AND did our wedding photography for FREE. They have been very supportive of me taking photography classes so that I can get into shooting wedding and get out of the job from hell. Barbara has mentioned a couple of time how she is really looking forward to me getting to the point she can send me out to be the second shooter so she doesn't have to.

A couple in "the group" are getting married this weekend and I had been planning on taking pictures for the practice. I figured B&B were going to be doing the actual wedding photography. Turns out they aren't. The couple are trying to get their house built and just can't afford to hire them so Barbara told her she should get me to shoot the wedding. WOW! That was pretty cool of them to suggest me for the job. Of course I had already planned on taking a bunch of pictures and putting together a book for them as our wedding present to them but this means I need to step up my game plan.
Oh and the best part... To make it even easier to shoot the wedding B&B GAVE me TWO Canon zoom lenses. They are older and a little beat up but they work GREAT. They had just bought a new lens that did the job of those two so they wanted to help me get started.
Can you believe that! I'm still so moved by their generousity. I feel so blessed.

And we wait...

2010-08-11T05:56:00.000-07:00

I still haven't heard back on the rest of the tests they ran. I actually forgot about them until this morning. I'll give them a buzz this week to see if they have gotten them back yet.
Dr. K didn't put me on clomid. He doesn't think I need it which kind of freaks me out. So, tThis cycle we are just using progesterone, metformin, baby asprin and that dern folic acid pill I can never remember the name of without looking at the bottle and assorted vitamins. Oh, and I'm still on the antibiotics for the strep B.
If this cycle worked I should know by Monday. So far I've been snapping at people, tired and weepy but that is probably just the progesterone. Fortunately this week is going by quickly so that makes the waiting a little easier.

Cute as a button....dumb as a rock

2010-08-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

I now know that having a raging case of vertigo is not for the faint of heart. It took a full two weeks to stop losing my balance and all that extra effort to focus on staying upright and walking straight gave me one whopper of a headache that I am just now getting rid of. So that made it 3 weeks of being totally unproductive. Oh well. I think God was trying to tell me to take a break or just wanted to give me a break from the nightmare supervisor. (said supervisor has been very nice to me lately)

The visit with the specialist went pretty well. I really like him, his nurses, the insurance lady etc. I really don't like the receptionist. She is stunningly pretty but stunningly inept.
Today I went in just to have some blood drawn. I talked with the receptionist on Wednesday to confirm what the earliest time was I could come in. So I'm thinking, when I get there I'll be able to have my blood drawn and be on the road to work in 15 minutes max. It took 15 freakin minutes for her to understand why I was there. She made me sign in, OK no big deal, I noted on there that I was just there to have blood drawn. 15 minutes later she called me back to the window and said "I don't find where you have an appointment today" I had to explain it to her again, reminded her that we had a conversation earlier in the week and again had to tell her I was just there for a blood draw.
Then she wanted me to tell her what tests I was supposed to have done. Hell I don't know. The Dr. said there were 4 he wanted to run it should be in the system.
Another 15 minute wait.
Finally they called me back and took the blood....50 minutes after I arrived. I may have to have a chat with the Dr about her.

The first visit we had she took my insurance card and info, paper work etc. I had talked to her to confirm she had received all of my paperwork. When I get there she only had half of it. Seriously? Fortunately I had everything with me. So I gave it to her to make a copy of, she was supposed to copy it and then give it back to me. I never saw it again. Then she said that will be $400. WHAT? Uh, no. I called and was told that this is diagnostic and that my insurance covers it. She told me, well maybe you should call your insurance company and see if they give you a different answer than they gave me. AGAIN....SERIOUSLY? Finally she just charged me the $40 she was supposed to charge me for a visit. By this time I'm stressed out, a little freaked out, Dave was acting weird which didn't help and so the waterworks started up.
I was ready to leave but I didn't want to have to go through the process of finding someone else so I just sucked it up. The Dr was great, answered all my questions I had made a list of and apologized for the front desk. He said this is stressful enough and we should have done a better job of checking with your insurance company, not make you have to do it. He said he would be having a talk with the staff which made me feel better. Dave even liked him and finally stopped acting so freakin weird.

I went back last week (different receptionist and I didn't have a single issue) and they did a hysteroscopy, everything looked fine. They did a biopsy and made sure I didn't have a septum or polyps which would interfere with a pregnancy. The biopsy did come back with a positive strep B which is fairly common but just to be on the safe side I'm on 10 days of antibiotics.
They are running chromosome tests on both Dave and I to rule out a balanced translocation. Pray that isn't the issue! And the other tests they are running are for clotting issues. Hopefully we will just need the Folgard and blood thinners to hit the baby jackpot. Yeah, that would be worth becoming a human pincusion

Sorry to leave you hanging....

2010-07-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've been down with a severe case of vertigo. Dr's appointment went better than I thought, the front office pissed me off though. More later when I am feeling better.

Countdown....

2010-07-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

We have a consulation appointment with the fertility specialist on the 20th.

interesting tidbit....

2010-07-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had my post op visit with Dr. W yesterday. She was telling me about it being a difficult surgery and then asked if I remembered waking up during surgery?

UH...WHAT?!?!?!?

Yeah, apparently I woke up in the middle of surgery and they had to really drug me up to get me back to sleep. No wonder it took me a while longer to recover this time. Double dose of anesthesia, excessive bleeding etc.

I told her about having that same weird pain/swelling and red line on my arm after having it pop up on my leg. She said it sounded like a little phlebitis but since it resolved itself quickly then it wasn't too worrisome. She was more concerned with the swollen lymph node I had. It went away pretty soon after the swelling in my leg went away.

She gave me a referral for the specialist. She said they coded everything for the ins co so they shouldn't give me any problems. My new label....AMA/hypothyroid/habitual aborter. Nice. Oh well. If it keeps the ins co from giving me grief I'll take it.

I'll probably call the Dr's office Tuesday to set up a consultation.

hmmm....

2010-06-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Now I'm getting a place on my arm like I had on my leg. I wonder if it's some weird infection or a reaction to the surgery.
It's a strange soreness like a pulled muscle but it radiates throughout my arm, there is about a 3 inch red line that is slightly swollen and tender to the touch. Just like with my leg it's wider this morning than it was last night.

A little good news?

2010-06-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

The tests came back negative on it being a blood clot THANK GOODNESS! I wasn't looking forward to another trip to the hospital. It did show an inflamed lymph node so my doctor's office had me come in for another blood test to see if I had developed an infection. While I was there Kathy the nurse came out to talk to me about some paperwork so I showed her my leg. She thought it looked like a blood clot too so I didn't feel so paranoid. She said it might also be an infection process, I had never heard of that term before but I guess if you have an infection starting it can show symptoms somewhere in that area. Hey! Weird shit! I'm over here! Yup, looks like you found me again.
So I'm home with my leg up and I've been putting heat on it per the nurse's instructions. Hopefully it will look better by Monday and I can go back to work. Although just between me and you I LOVED being home...even if I did felt like crap.

Complications....of course

2010-06-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night we got to make a rather quick drive to the ER because I started cramping more and bleeding ALOT. Dave was crackin me up! He was pretty freaked out and was weaving in and out of traffic trying to get to the ER in a hurry.

Apparently they had a hard time getting me to stop bleeding during surgery on Friday because my uterus wasn't clamping down like it's supposed to do. Uh ok, first I've heard of that! That would explain why I haven't bounced back very quickly from this surgery like I did the previous ones.

I don't know what I expected the ER to do but after a half dozen blood tests and HOURS of just sitting around they sent me home with a medication that is supposed to help (methergine) and a shot of morphine and phenergen. Morphine is some badass shit. Yesterday I was so drugged up I could barely wake up when my alarm went off to take my next dose of medicine. I could tell by about 10 pm when the morphine was starting to wear off that it had really helped keep me from feeling the worst of the cramps. I had a couple that hit hard and I wasn't able to move, breath or anything but stand there doubled over and rocking back and forth.

I'm still groggy today but it getting better which is good. On the bad side I woke up this morning with pain in my calf. I had to call the doctors office to set up a followup appointment so I told them about it. It's swollen, warm and has a red line running about 5 inches on the side of my calf once I told the nurse about it she made an appointment for me to see a specialist to see if I have developed a blood clot so I'm just hanging out and waiting for my appointment at 1:30.

I love my doctor

2010-06-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

She had me come in yesterday and after a scan and the fact that I'm still having a few pregnancy symptoms she scheduled me for a d/c that afternoon.
So now I can breath a sigh of relief and start looking forward to the next step. A consultation with the fertility specialist to see if there is any chance of having a baby on our own.
I don't want to use someone elses eggs, I don't want to adopt. I've spent my entire life raising other peoples kids and now I really want my own.

Nothing happing...

2010-06-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

*disclaimer* If you are a guy, you might want to skip this one. It might be a little too much info for ya.

I guess I need to call the Dr's office and let them know that nothing much has been happening. Just some spotting (sorry TMI). Every time I think it's progressing, it stops. I've tried lots of walking, jumping on the trampoline, sitting around doing nothing, lifting stuff. I get more Yesterday I had a few cramps around lunchtime that took my breath away, but then they stopped and nothing else has happened.

This is seriously frustrating.

Nothing much to tell...

2010-06-08T05:56:00.001-07:00

Nothing is happening except the boobs are still growing. Had to switch to the DD maternity bra that I bought a while back and had to buy some pants that were a little more comfortable on the belly.
I try to tell myself they will come in handy for NEXT TIME.....
Started getting "looks" from the lady at the bank I only see every couple of weeks and a couple of other people. Won't they be disappointed when I don't "pop". Eh, join the club.
I had wanted to let this resolve itself on it's own so I wouldn't have to go through another surgery but I'm starting to wonder if it's EVER going to happen. I'll give it another week. Maybe I'll call and see about getting the medication to help hurry things along. I wonder if there are any natural ways I can help things along. Any suggestions?

Tight pants

2010-05-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I can feel almost back to "normal" and then there are long-ass-days where I feel so pregnant that I can't believe that there isn't a bean in there.
Today was the later. I feel like crap but in the way you dream and hope to. The bb's are killing me like they are supposed to. When I came home from work I went straight to bed for a nap and now I can barely move off the couch.
Thank goodness for a wonderful husband that is a great cook and dishwasher (and shots of tequila with beer chaser deliverer. Yeah, I know that's bad english.)

Seriously...~sigh~

2010-05-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of my lovely Dr having to tell me "I'm so sorry". FUCK.
Another failed pregnancy....strike FOUR. This time it's a blighted ovum.
No more chances for just taking another round of Clomid, our next step is a fertility specialist. Dr. W doesn't want to waste more of our time if there is a chance of the specialist helping.

Which means we are totally screwed. My insurance company won't even pay for the Clomid they sure as hell aren't going to pay for anything more invasive.

Dave is going to check into his insurance. I wouldn't be able to switch until Dec but that is only 7 months away. It' will probably take a month for me to m/c and then another for my body to kick back into a routine. Yeah, I'm kinda ramblin right now. It's how I process crap. Sorry.

I'll let my brain calm down and then we'll make an appointment to meet with him. I've already decided that IVF isn't for us it's just too cost prohibitive. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll win the lottery between now and then. I might as well hope for "World Peace" while I'm at it.

Can I go home now?

2010-05-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Saw the sack, it measured 5w5d but didn't see anything in it. FUCK.
Dr. W suggested we do another bloodtest to see what my levels look like. FUCK.
I go back on Monday to see if they can find anything in there. FUCK.
CAN'T STOP CRYING. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

*UPDATE* Dr. W just called me with the lab results. My beta came back at 25,417. I made her repeat it so I knew that was what she actually said. Ok, so that still puts me in the 5-6 week range. FIRST hurdle down, and Dave is going with me to the u/s appointment which I had to move to Tuesday. I am so relieved! It's been so hard for him to take off work now that they are shorthanded and have a guy with a bad back. I'm glad he's going to go with me. Keep praying y'all!

7 weeks!

2010-05-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am completely thrilled to have raging heartburn and to be so tired after a solid night of sleep that I could fall asleep at my desk the minute I sit down. Of course the BBs are KILLING me too. YAY! Half the websites said I was 7 weeks yesterday and the other half said it was today so I will go with today...for now.
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with Dr. W and then a date with a wand to confirm where we are and if things are progressing appropriately. I've been pretty nervous about the appointment and I tried to guilt my darling husband into going with me but he is still dealing with an employee that can't do much (recovering from back surgery) so I don't think he'll be able to go with me to the appointment. I really wish I could get an appointment earlier than 10 it really messes up your whole day. It's a bummer but at the same time I'm pretty ok with going solo. I'm trying to only read and think about positive outcomes.

YAY! SIX weeks....

2010-05-12T06:38:00.000-07:00

Actually according to Dr. Google I'm 6 weeks 2 days. I'm still feeling REALLY tired all day long (after sleeping like a log) with heartburn and a touch of evening sickness instead of morning sickness. BB's hurt more at night too. yay! Come on symptoms!

3rd beta results

2010-05-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

I did another beta yesterday it came back at 755 but my progesterone dropped from 26.2 to 14.2 YIKES! I may have to bump up the progesterone to twice a day. I'm waiting for a call back from the Dr's office.
So far I'm enjoying the heartburn and general blech feeling. The only thing that sounds good to eat is mashed potatoes. The only thing I'm not enjoying is the waking up at 3:30 in the morning and not being able to go back to sleep. I need to find out if I can take something for that. I wonder if they would let me take just half or even a 1/4 of a Tylenol pm.

Uh...

2010-05-03T16:03:00.001-07:00

Ok, don't go getting all excited yet, but just before we left for vacation last Wednesday I got a VERY faint line on a First Response.

I had a beta bloodtest drawn just before leaving town and it came back at 25. That was a pretty cool first anniversary present! Then this morning I went in for a second and it came back at 124 with a progesterone in the 20's.

I'm trying to be very chill about it all and not get too excited until I get past the point I lost the last 3. I'm past the time frame of the chemical pregnancy, just marking time right now.

I have my first photography class tonight at U.T.A. I CAN'T WAIT!

*UPDATE*

I finally found the paper I wrote the 2nd beta info on it was 195 and the progesterone was 26.2. That sounds a little better.

Cyle day 21 test results

2010-04-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

My cycle day 21 (actually done on cd22)progesterone test result was a disappointing 13. Apparently I did O again but I'm still not getting a hit on the OPK tests. Dr. W said she would bump my dosage up to 100 mg for the next round of clomid if we didn't get a postive this month but when the NY nurse called with my results she wanted to argue with me about it. WTF! I'm still not a fan of this nurse but I guess I have to tolerate her so I can see the doctor I want. maybe she'll move on to another doctor soon.

I am (once again) sure this cycle was a bust. I was secretly hoping that this month would be the one. Our FIRST anniversary is on the 2nd and that would have been a great present to stick in my husband's card. On second thought....I did that on his birthday and that didn't turn out so well.

I think I'm going to go treat myself to a mani-pedi and then pick up my book for my first official photography class that starts on the 3rd. Distractions are good.

MTHFR

2010-04-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well....MOTHER F*****!!! Looks like I've got MTHFR to deal with too. The doctor said they don't think that is what is causing the recurrent m/c but they don't really know for sure. Looks like Dr. Google will be my friend tonight.
On the bright side I have a good size follicle and a few smaller ones that are coming along nicely. She asked if I wanted to do the trigger shot but I think we'll see how this month goes and try that next month if we have to.

I went in for another round of trigger point injections this morning too. They did 2 more nerve blocks in my forehead Oh my god those hurt! I started to hyperventalate and got a little lightheaded before she reminded me to breath S L O W L Y. After letting me catch my breath Dr. D did a couple more in my lower jaw 4 more in my scalp. It feels weird to raise my eyebrows now so of course that is what I am sitting here doing.

Good thing I was in a good mood....

2010-04-12T10:39:00.001-07:00

I stopped at the Doller Tree store last night to stock up on OPK tests and pregnancy tests for this round. I always buy a few other things so they won't look at me like the crazy lady with the basket full of tests every other week.
This time I was checked out by some guy that obviously doesn't have an ounce of tact in his body. As he's scanning my stuff he's looking at the tests and reading them and then said rather loudly "What do you use these for? Do these really work?" Lucky for him I didn't have a killer headache and was in a realatively good mood. I politely and laughingly said, "I wouldn't be buying so many of them if they didn't work."

On a really bright note....I didn't even have to take tylenol over the weekend! YAY! Headaches aren't GONE but they are much less severe. I guess this is how normal people feel?

Sweet relief....almost

2010-04-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

I went to my pain specialist today for some trigger point injections. I ended up with 2 nerve block injections at C1 (1st vertabrea just below the base of my skull) and oh mama did those suckers HURT! She also gave me 8 trigger point injections 6 in my scalp 2 just behind my jaw joint. So now instead of massive blinding headache all day long it's just a moderate headache.
I go back next week and I may have her add a few more spots that are pretty tender.
I have blue permenant marker X's on my face where she did the jaw injections. I'm so stylish.

Round 2

2010-04-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

We are almost through the second round of Clomid. Friday I had a massive work related rage that I had to be careful stayed internal. Poor Dave was a sympathetic ear that evening as I ranted about it. I HATE dealing with liars and morons and I was knee deep in both all day long.
On the bright side, we had a nice Good Friday dinner of sushi and after a couple of nice cold beers my mood was much brighter.

Oh and funny story of the week was the SS asking me what a circumcision was. I tried to keep a straigh face and answer him in a very clinical manner. It seemed to work. And then he asked me if he had been and I told him he should ask his father. Thank goodness he didn't ask much more.

I love it when I'm wrong...

2010-03-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just don't tell my Husband.

The nurse called me yesterday to make sure I had the info for my appointment with the pain specialist on the 1st.* While I had her on the phone I asked if my day 21 test was back yet so put me on hold while she tracked it down. I didn't think it was going to show that I Oed but the test came back at 21.7. Anything over 10 is good so my 43 year old girly parts are over achievers!

*They keep adding people to the very small room we are working in and the noise level is making my headaches go ballistic. I'm hoping I can get trigger point injections. It's getting to the point I can't function at work and their "you are just going to have to get used to it" statement doesn't excactly help.

Another blood test.

2010-03-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I don't think the metformin/clomid worked. I never did get a good solid line on the OPK this month. I go in the morning to have a blood test run to see if I O'ed or not. I can pretty much guarantee it's going to be NOT. ~sigh~

We'll just try again next month at a higher dose.

some new test results

2010-03-10T08:34:00.001-08:00

The nurse left me a message with some of the test results from last week. I was really pleased to hear that my FSH was only 7.5! Wow! For being 43 that is pretty darn good!
Thyroid is holding steady as are the estrogen levels. The only thing acting up is the glucose which came in at 113. Not terribly high but they think the Metformin will help bring it down to a more reasonable number.
I'm feeling pretty optomistic about things right now. Still holding my breath but hopeful.

Not much to tell these days...

2010-03-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

That last m/c knocked my system for a loop and it hasn't figured out how to reset itself yet. I went to the Dr last Thursday and they gave me a thorough once over. Blood tests, ultrasound, etc. We switched some meds up and added the Metformin I've been reading up on. Both overies show 5 to 7 follicles which is good so they put me on Clomid to see if that will help get the ball rolling.
Dr. W warned me that it has a pretty high risk of twins but we have that already with my family history so I'm pretty ok if we get a twofer. D says he is too....with a terrified look in his eye. LOL I had fun teasing him about it this weekend.
Other than wanting to smack some stupid people at a concert Saturday night, I haven't had too many side effects from the Clomid. Let's hope that doesn't change and also that it does the trick.

Snow!

2010-02-11T12:45:00.001-08:00

2010-02-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

The Miscarriage

Some species can crack pavement with their shoots
to get their share of sun some species lay
a purple froth of eggs and leave it there
to sprinkle tidepools with tadpole confetti
some species though you stomp them in the carpet
have already stashed away the families
that will inherit every floor at midnight
But others don’t go forth and multiply
as boldly male and female peeling the bamboo
their keepers watching in despair or those
endangered species numbered individually
and mapped from perch to oblivious perch

For weeks the world it seemed was plagued
with babies forests dwindling into cradles
rows of women hissing for an obstetrician
babies no one could feed babies received
by accident like misdirected mail
from God so many babies people hired
women to hold them babies babies everywhere
but not a one to name When we got home
the local news showed us a mother with
quintuplets she was suckling them in shifts
a mountain of sheets universally admired
a goddess of fertility her smile
could persuade the skies to rain Her litter
slept ointment-eyed in pink wool caps while Dad
ran his hand through his hair thinking maybe
of money as he stood surveying his
crowded living room his wealth of heartbeats

Pizza and pop that night and there unasked inside
the bottlecap was Sorry—Try Again
you set it down and did not speak of it
the moon flanked by her brood of stars that night
a chaste distracted kiss goodnight that night
your body quiet having spilled its secret
your palms flat on your belly holding holding

Forgive me if I had no words that night
but I was wondering in the silence still
begetting silence whether to console you
if I consoled you it would make the loss
your loss and so we laid beside ourselves
a while because I had no words until
our bodies folded shut our bodies closed
around hope like a book preserving petals
a book we did not open till the morning when
we found hope dry and brittle but intact

- Amit Majmudar (published in the October 2005 issue of Poetry.)

Feeling a little better....

2010-02-03T09:37:00.001-08:00

I had A GREAT adjustment from the chiro last night. He is ART certified (Active Release Techniques. Active Release Techniques, or ART, is a patented, soft tissue system that treats problems with muscles, tendons, ligaments, fascia and nerves) so he spent quite a while working on my "mouse shoulder". Then a hard traction pull to pop C1 back into place and I feel like a new person...almost. It's pretty sore today but it's MUCH better than it's been since Saturday. I may go back for another visit this week just to make sure things stay put.
Second good thing that happened last night was the pharmacy was able to find the right maker for my Rx. I slept better last night than I have in weeks. My brain is still pretty scattered and sticking to one thought for more than 10 seconds is tough, but it's better. AND I haven't had a single chest pain all day. YAY!
Work is kind of quiet today too. We had to evacuate the building for about an hour while they looked for a natural gas leak. It was a tad nippy out there but a bad day of being evacuated is better than a good day of working here. LOL
I've got two great music shows to look forward to this week and I'm going to check out a pottery store I found in Ft Worth Saturday morning. Maybe I can find someone to fire my pottery so I can start throwing again.

Things....

2010-02-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

I am making myself crazy reading all those babylost and infertility blogs. I tell myself that I'm going to find the "magic bullet" that makes the next pregnancy successful. But in reality I'm just pickin at the scab and I can't seem to stop.
The only thing that I've found that could be useful was the use of DHEA to improve egg quality and I'm not even sure that would apply to me.

I already take fish oil, prenatal vitamins and try to take ai.rbo.rne as often as possible. Every time I've gotten pregnant I had been putting 3-4 ai.rbo.rne tablets in a Route 44 sonic cup and sipping on it all day. I don't know if any of these things help but I'm at least trying to help things along.

Here is my daily lineup:

2 90mg natural dessicated thyroid either at bedtime or several hours after vitamins
prenatal vitamin
fish oil
vitamin E
Folic Acid
DHEA
vitamin B6
5 drop iodine supplement (supposed to help w/thyroid)
baby aspirin
and of course Ai.rbo.rne when I remember to pick it up at the store.(mostly vitamin A and C)

Anyone know of a good snake oil? I might as well add that too. LOL.

I know...my mood sucks these days. Between zero happy drugs in my system, BFN's and the constant head/neck pain which is made worse by all the weather changes we've had lately I'm just a joy to be around right now. I'll pick up the new rx tonight if the chiro doesn't take too long. Maybe it will even be warm enough to get a little walk in...although I think that is being overly ambitious for today.

Did I tell you I had a dream the other night that I was offered a new job? A part time job that actually took advantage of my skills and talents (whatever those are...the dream didn't reveal that information to me unfortunately) my salary was going to be $87,500. Yeah, that was the moment I knew I was dreaming.

It's February? Seriously?

2010-02-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to tell on the TTC front. I'm not even sure things are working like they are supposed to after the chemical pregnancy. I stocked up on op tests at Dollar Tree yesterday. I can go crazy and test for the next couple of weeks just to see if things are working again. If they aren't I might try to talk to the doctor again about trying metformin. It can't hurt to try.

Yesterday was a good day with the SS. For the first time since his mother's death he actually talked about her. He wanted to make some haystacks like she used to make for Christmas, so I made a quick run to the store. He and I (mostly he) made a big ol batch of them and then made a batch of peanut butter cups. I took some pictures of him cooking and his dad took a couple of pictures of the SS and I working in the kitchen. I'm glad he's finally talking about her. Dave and I talk about her to him but this is the first time he has brought her up on his own. Now if I could just get him to use more soap when he showers.....

I've been pretty bummed the last few weeks. I have been taking a Rx for depression/anxiety since the first loss. When I had it refilled in January Tar.get had switched brands. Usually that isn't a big deal but for some reason this batch just isn't working well for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but sit with the remote and channel surf. I thought it was just the stress at work that was making me feel that way. Plus I have been having lots of chest pains. They start about 7:45 am and last until 5:30ish which means it's stress and not a heart attack. But then I realized that it had only started getting bad when I started taking these new pills. I stopped taking them immediately and over the last few days the chest pains have gotten better. They aren't gone but they aren't stopping me in my tracks anymore. I couldn't find a pharmacy that had the old brand so I'm going to try the another brand. Fingers crossed they will be ok. I'll give them a couple of weeks and if the pains don't go away I'll go back to the doctor.

It's the little things.....

2009-12-20T06:00:00.001-08:00

We bought a real tree this year. I haven't had a real tree since I was in the 3rd grade. We can't find most of the christmas ornaments and the star for the top of it but it's beautiful just the same.

I bought 2 ornaments for the lost babies and I'm looking for a 3rd one for the most recent. We knew the first one was a girl so I bought a cross with pearls on it, the second one they couldn't tell so I bought a pickle since that is what it looked like and the latest was lost before the heartbeat so I'm not sure what to do for that one. Maybe a heart? hmmm...I'm thinking about this stuff too much. When I was buying christmas stockings yesterday I found one that reminded me of the SS late mother. I doubt it even registers with him but I told Dave what it was for and he seemed touched. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I'm also wierd enough to want all of her pictures put on a wall (not a prominent one) so that when the SS is missing her he always has her nearby.

I'm meeting my sister and a friend of hers later today to go shopping and let the kids go ice skating at the Galleria. I had asked the SS if he wanted to go earlier in the week and he said he did. We'll see if he still feels the same way when I get ready to go.

My mixers all died this year. So the other day I mentioned on Facebook that I was looking for a gently used one and my sister's friend that is coming down to shop with us is going to sell me her barely used kitchen aid stand mixer for 50 dollars! yay! EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT TO ME!!!!!!!!!! Now I don't have to freak out over spending hundreds of dollars to get one! Plus I'm recycling!

Two more words I hate....

2009-12-01T12:07:00.001-08:00

Chemical Pregnancy. DAMN.

It's a VERY Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T08:40:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure yesterday I just had a wave of m/s about 4 am but it was enough to get my attention and make a trip to the store. I had another touch of m/s again this morning about the same time (4 am is going to be my favorite time of day I guess) so I tested. YAY! HAPPY FREAKIN THANKSGIVING TO US!!!! WE HAVE 2 LINES! At 9 days past ovulation. HOT DAMN! It's still pretty faint but it's definately there. The m/s is a new thing for me, ESPECIALLY this early. I didn't have much with the others. Now if this one actually makes it any further than the others remains to be seen but I can't help but be a little excited! I'm not going to hold my breath for the next 8 months and I'm sure the past losses will give me minor freakouts in the coming weeks but I'm so excited. I'm going to be grateful and thankful for every minute I get to spend with this little one.

We have so much to be thankful for. The boy is doing so much better than he was 6 long months ago. He regularly gives me hugs and says "I love you". Awww... The challenges of the past year I think has made Dave and I so much stronger. Man we've been through some crap! Fortunately when stuff comes up we do a really good job of talking about it and turning towards each other for support.

hmmm...

2009-11-25T08:29:00.001-08:00

Third time's the charm?

The doctor's visit...

2009-11-18T09:16:00.000-08:00

I went for my follow up appointment yesterday and was stuck in a room full (literally full) of only VERY pregnant women. Well there was one man but he was with one of the Smug Bitches so he doesn’t count. UGH! And then NY nurse was surprised that my blood pressure was high. I wonder what could have caused that.
Test results came back fine. Damn, absolutely no useful information whatsoever. They couldn’t even tell if it was a boy or girl. All my dreams were of a baby boy, so I’m going to go with my dreams since they were on the money last time and think of it as a boy.
Dr W asked what I wanted to do now. Hell, I don’t know what tests are available so I told her to run anything she could think might be the problem. So we are going to test clotting factors and a bunch of other stuff with mile long names. We probably won’t learn anything from them either but at least I feel like I’m making an effort.
The poor lady that was doing my labs had to research what she needed so as I was waiting outside the labroom the most annoying of the Smug Bitches was brought over for her blood tests too. You know the kind that has to call everyone she knows and share all the information from her appointment immediately and LOUDLY so everyone hears. Yeah, that helped. So by the time they were ready to do my labs I was already welling up and before she even stuck me I was practically sobbing. DAMN. I thought the lab tech was going to start crying too the poor thing. She was in there alone so she couldn’t wrangle the needle the tubes and reach the tissues so I’m sitting there bawling, she’s sniffing and the smug bitch finally shut the hell up.
After I left that appointment I had to rush home and get the SS for our next appointment. The minute I got home Robby was giving me grief about the mp3 player not having his music on it. I had tried to download it the night before and while it looked like it was downloading one of the cd’s it actually downloaded all of my (country) music. Not exactly his (Five Finger Death Punch)taste. I kinda snapped at him when he got a little demanding. Not bad but it made me feel bad. As we were driving to the chiropractors I apologized and told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I shouldn’t have snapped at him. Then we argued as to whether or not I had snapped at him. He said I hadn’t, I said I had, he said I hadn’t…you get the idea. So by the time we got to that dr’s office I was in tears again which freaked those ladies out.
Jeez. It just wasn’t a good night.

Dear Dr.'s Office

2009-11-18T07:42:00.000-08:00

I know you are moving to a new location soon and I have a very simple request.

Could you PLEASE have a waiting room for the obviously pregnant and one for those of us that can't be in the same room as them?

Yesterday I had to sit in your waiting room for almost 2 HOURS because you were running behind. I get it, things happen and that doesn't really bother me too much since you have chairs that are actually comfortable and I managed to find a few magazines that don't have babies plastered all over them.

However, sitting in THAT room for THAT long was TORTURE. I can't even believe your nurse was surprised that my blood pressure was through the roof. DUH! I don't think I'm asking for much and I know there are other women who would appreciate it as well. Hell I wouldn't even care if it was a closet that I had to sit in by myself....in the dark. As long as I didn't have to watch those smug bitches.

Sincerely,

Carla

Ugh...

2009-11-10T06:28:00.000-08:00

I was feeling pretty crummy last night when I got home but I thought it was because it was my first day back to work. But then last night the cramps were bad enough that I could barely sleep. This morning it's worse. Cramping with a sharp pain. The Dr's office doesn't start answering the phone until 9 so I'm trying to stay calm. I've had 2 painkillers since 5:30 and that helped some but I'm afraid I may have an infection.

The hospital visit....

2009-11-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

Everyone that is working on your "case" has to ask you what you are there for so I had to tell literally 10 different people I was there for a d&c. Eight of these were women and I was kind of surprised that all but 1 had suffered more than 1 m/c. One turned to adoption and the rest went on to have more than 1 successful pregnancy.
My favorite Nurse, Dot, from Dr W's office came and hung out with me before surgery. I need to get her a nice card and gift for being so great. It really helped having her there. Dave would have been stressing over work since they are shorthanded and working on a big project so I told him to go to work then try to get away early to pick me up. It just seemed silly to make him sit around while I'm asleep when he really needed to be at work. I'm so used to doing things alone it wasn't a big deal to me. And just like most men he's not so comfortable dealing with "female stuff".
I had more cramping/pain on one side after the surgery so I was really grateful for those pain meds. But just like lasts time by the time I got home the bleeding was almost non existent. That really helps me mentally.
Since I had to wait a little while for Dave to get there they put me in recovery 3 which is where they put patients that are waiting on a room. I must say I recommend this if you can request it DO. The nurses were nicer than the outpaient recovery nurses I had last year. I had a comfortable bed that adjusted itself every time I moved. I had a TV which we all were glued to because of the shooting at Ft Hood and my nurse Fran made sure I had warm blankets, snacks and something to drink handy at all times.
Mentally I'm doing much better than I thought I would. I think it helped waiting a few days. It gave both of us a little time to process it. The night before surgery Dave spent a long time laying with his head on my chest and his hand on my belly saying goodbye to the little one. It was pretty heartbreaking but I think it helped me more than anything he could have said.
With our first loss it took me a really long time to get over it. Now I feel ready to move on and try again really soon. Maybe third time is the charm.

I had a dream last night

2009-11-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

That I was at the Dr's office for another u/s. But this time the baby did have a heartbeat. Not only did it have a heartbeat but there was another one a couple of weeks younger (the dr said) that had a heartbeat.
I fell back against the wall and as I was sliding to the floor in a heap and said Oh my god! The doctor said, "well, what do you want to do". I looked at her and said "well, I want to keep it OF COURSE". And then I woke up. I really hate dreaming right now. It makes me second guess what I know.

One more day

2009-11-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's incident I was just DONE with this waiting. I called the Dr's office and asked if they could move my appointment up to Thursday. (The NY nurse later said I could hear in your voice that we needed to get this taken care of.) So they had me come in for one more u/s just to confirm that there wasn't a heartbeat. There wasn't but it was oddly comforting in a way to see it again.
After my appointment, and more tears, and more hugs from my Dr and the nurses (they are so sweet)they sent me over to the hospital to do my preregistration. That was 2 more hours of waiting, and being proded and poked. Fun.
So I will go in tomorrow morning at 10 and have surgery at 12.
Dave can't get away from work so I'll be going alone. Not that it really matters. He would just be sitting around twiddling his thumbs. He doesn't do that waiting thing very well and it doesn't help that he's shorthanded at work. He would just sit there and worry and stress about work which would just make me stress even more than I already am. He'll get there as soon as he can which should be about the time we are wrapping things up.
Fingers crossed we'll start trying again in 2 weeks. Dr said we don't have to wait and it may actually help to start trying immediately.

~SIGH~

2009-11-03T06:37:00.000-08:00

One of the very few people that knew about the pregnancy greeted me with a "goodmorning mama" today. All I could do was shake my head and burst into tears.

DAMN.

And now I can't get the waterworks to stop.

DOUBLE DAMN.

And my body STILL doesn't get that it needs to miscarry.

DOUBLE DOUBLE DAMN.

Yup

2009-10-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well the nurse just confirmed it. My blood test came back at 38,184. It should be well over 100K by now so she is going to schedule the D&E for the 9th or 10th. I could do it next Friday but Dave has to be at his office all day and can't get out of it.
Maybe I'll m/c on my own this weekend. DAMN. I should have had her call in some pain killers just in case. DAMN. I really really am not looking forward to either option. DAMN.
DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...DAMN...

Can I go home yet?

2009-10-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm totally worthless at work today. I had to let my boss know so I could request a block of time off since I don't know if I'll miscarry on my own or need medical intervention. God forbid I not have the day I need off REQUESTED off. Fucking Bitch. She proceeded to tell me maybe I should look at alternative options. Why is it that people feel the need to tell you that? I've had 3 people tell me that in the last day. Let me make myself CLEAR PEOPLE! I DO NOT WANT TO ADOPT. I spent 20 freakin years raising everyone elses children I WANT to raise MINE now.
I was doing so blog surfing of others that have been there and ran across this from Searching for Zanity

I didn't want to adopt. I'm not judging other people's choices. I've never had any doubt that I could love an adopted child. And maybe if we had made the decision to adopt earlier, we would be parents now. I just no longer have the emotional reserves to embark on adoption, a whole 'nother roller coaster.

It's just that I wanted it all. I wanted a genetic connection to my mother. I wanted to wonder if the baby would have my nose (I hope not!) or my sense of humor (now you're talking). Now I'm supposed to come to the realization that I want to be a mother, not just pregnant with my egg and my husband's sperm, more than anything. That once the baby arrives how it got here won't matter.

Intellectually getting there is a whole lot easier than getting my heart there.

Update...

2009-10-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sad to say we didn't find a heartbeat. It did look like it had grown since the last visit but there wasn't a heartbeat. She said we could check in a few days just to make sure and we are doing another blood test to see if the numbers are falling (as I expect they are).

Second sono today....

2009-10-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

Keep your fingers crossed everything is going good and we see a really strong heartbeat.

Ugh.....

2009-10-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have the crud.
I really want to take a large dose of NyQuil and sleep but I can't. I think that is going to be my least favorite thing about being pregnant...not being able to take much when you are sick.
So I'm watching my temp (staying around 98 and 99), taking tylenol and Robitussin from the "approved" list every 4 or 5 hours and trying to drink lots of fluids. Poor Dave. I'm sure I kept him awake with my tossing, turning and trying to breath all night long. I was going to go to work but he convinced me to stay home and rest. I'm glad he did.

latest test results

2009-10-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I finally got the nurse to call me back...she's either getting friendlier or I'm getting used to her NY ways.
The cramping was caused by dehydration. I haven't been drinking enough plain ol' water. So after drinking 3 glasses of water in a couple of hours the cramps went away completely! yay! Who knew WATER was so important. Well I should have but I wasn't paying attention. Large 44 oz diet cokes aren't a good substitute. I'm trying to kick my Sonic drive thru habit and only allow myself 1 can of diet coke a day.
Dave found some alcohol free wine at the grocery store this week. It tastes like tangy grape juice but it looks "right' in my glass so I feel like I'm having a glass of wine with dinner. My doctor says I can have an occasional glass of wine or A beer but I'm trying to keep that for special occasions only. Especially in the beginning.
I'm surprised I'm not in a complete coma by 8 pm these days but I've been able to make it until 9:30 before I HAVE to lie down. That is nice. It gives me some time to hang with my husband after the teenager goes to sleep.
Oh ok so the latest tests showed that I've got my thyroid under control. Which is probably why I'm able to stay awake until 9:30. It is down to .08 (I was close to 4.5 this time last year) and she may bump my dose a little higher to get the T4 where it needs to be. She wants my level to be just shy of hyperthyroid. I'm so glad I have a doctor that not only listened to me when I was having issues with my thyroid the last time we were pregnant and let me base my dosing on how I felt instead of a lab report. It turned out to be too little too late but she had gone on to do more research over the last year with I'm hoping will help this pregnancy be successful.
The beta test came back at 16,821 which is great! I'm right where I should be and the baby is doubling in size every 51 hrs. Isn't technology great!?!?!?!